TCHOC

Helping to lead TCHOC's encounter this week was amazing. I really wasn't expecting too much out of it, just go there and support however I could. As the retreat started, I saw something different in the attitudes of the people there, I was definitely out of my element. I was not accustomed to ministering to people that were in High School.
But the thing about Triumphant Church HOC is that they are extremely supportive. After blowing out one of the speakers of the sound system, they continued to sing and support, and they definitely had a lot of energy!
I'm just randomly rambling on, but all in all it definitely was a different experience leading an encounter than being in one.
God definitely helped us through it a lot, and the turn out was good. praise the Lord!

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

Actually... not really.
Today was my third time going to mt. high this year, and it absolutely sucked. It sucked even more than the  first time it went, and it wasn't even winter then and they only had one lift. Today was ice and wind all day... pretty much sucked.
But the last week that I went was pretty legit. Boarding @ Bear for two days, and mt. high for one. Not a bad week at all. I'm really excited to go when more snow comes in, and hopefully by the end of the season I can be legit.

Let us shred, let us shred, let us shred!

100,000 mile club

My car has just reached a new milestone. The 100,000 miles mark.

Dear Car,
Thank you for being so faithful from my adventures to Irvine, LA, Riverside, San Diego, San Francisco, Merced, the list can go on forever. We still got a long way to go, stick with me.

It's hitting old, but until it's dead or i'm dead, ain't nobody gonna stop this ft mobile.

Prayer Room @ UCSD

I am so behind on the posts that I really want to post up so I'll just start with the earliest one. The Prayer room in San Diego. It's nothing special really, just a small room in Price Center owned by IV (for their student body) and dedicated to prayer.
At first I stepped in and was like... "woah, this is so small" but when I looked around I saw so many things that were really encouraging, writing all over the wall (on butcher paper of course) about prayer requests, praise reports, inspiration from the Lord, the list goes on and on. And on that mid finals week day, the 4 of us (Ashley, Alan, Jared, and myself) were able to set apart time to commune with God.
It was encouraging, and (God willing) I hope to have prayer there more often.
Here's some pictures that I took:

It's 6 a.m. and what am i doing up? I just finished a long night of games for a LAN party hosted by my church. Warcraft, Starcraft, CS, you name it. Anyway, that is now added onto the long list of "to post."

Shred City.

It's 12:30 and I have no idea what I'm doing awake. This week has been filled with boarding adventures. From Monday @ Mt. High with Jackie, then Tuesday @ Snow Summit with UCLA + Johnny and Chester, to today (Thursday) with Cat and Jackie.
My lactic acid filled muscles are telling me to just stop and rest, but my mind is telling me to go more! These past couple days have been fun, and time certainly does pass by quickly when you're having fun.
I actually have to wake up at 8 tomorrow to go help my mom work.
Dear Lord, please give me the strength that I need to finish up this week, there's so much I need to do and so little time.
There's actually a lot that I want to blog about, but I'll leave it for another time when I have more energy. But here's a cool picture I took while on the lift:

and a nice view of Big Bear Lake:

Alright! That's it for now, maybe I'll post some more snapshots that I got with my phone later on... Bonsoir mes amis!

Football.

this is one of my earliest night posts.
It's 11:00 p.m. and I'm going to sleep... Craziness.
Anyway, the reason being is that this past week (or so) of eating healthy, working out, trying to rest up, is all going to come for show tomorrow at 1:30 @ Cerritos High School. Come support HoC/A-life as we play at a interchurch tournament.
It's time to play some footb4ll and tear it up.

Go Crimson Tide. Go Ocho Cinco. Br0.

on UCLA and hydroplaning.

So this is pretty ironic, coming after a post on "toning down" but as I am here in front of my computer, with Irving snoring away on my bed, I guess it's time for another Late Night Ramble.

UCLA was pretty eventful, and even though a lot of people were studying, it was good to just chill and hang out after a long finals week. I still can't believe I'm done, and I'm just making so many plans for the break already. We spent a looong time in UCLA playing Apples to Apples, running around in the rain, and just grabbing food at the commons and in-n-out. After the long night, Irving decided to play his Glee soundtrack all the way back home... we got lost, and we hydroplaned. a lot.
If I counted how many times, probably well over 20, most were tiny ones that made my heart skip beats, and some were decently long ones that woke me right up, praise the Lord there wasn't anything big though. We got back safely and in one piece, but it definitely was one of the scarier times that I've had while driving. And for now, it looks like this rain isn't going away.

I just wanted to blog a little bit, now it's time to go to sleep. Goodnight world.

Toning down.

This is my first finals week of second year, and it's really different than any of my first year finals weeks.
Last year I drove to Irvine, only to have Dave drive me to Riverside and then LA to pick up Kuan.
This year, I've been just sleeping, and chilling, and sort of studying, but I've definitely toned down a lot.

I do miss driving around, "fun training" if you will, and just messing around. But the one thing that I have learned is that I need to moderate what I'm doing, especially if I want to do well. This finals week seems really boring, but it's good just being in San Diego and just resting.
Finals are definitely really hard this quarter, sitting through 2 and a half hours for my philosophy final was soo difficult. But the one thing that I am definitely looking forward to is the football tournament this Sunday!

It's been so long since I've played real competition, probably my last was my badminton tournament in UCLA last year. But I'm so pumped and that's really what gets me through my finals is thinking that at the end of this week, I'll be able to just play ball! (there is snowboarding too, but I have a whole season to blog about that!)

Last final tomorrow morning! Praise the Lord!

2000+

So I recently checked my blog visitor count and I've reached 2000 reads. I figure half of them are me visiting my site over and over again. But in all reality, when I first made the blog I didn't expect that many people to read it, but then I guess I underestimated the power of RSS.

Anyway, thanks for all you who read through my life. My ins and outs, ups and downs, and that are always checking up on me! I really do appreciate it a lot!

YY

Denny's @ 4 a.m.

I'm sitting at Denny's at 3:43 a.m. in the morning trying to study. Outside the crisp, cool air gives me the shivers right to my very bones. But once I stepped foot into Denny's I found refuge in the perfectly heated diner, sipping on my unlimited refills hot chocolate, and attempting to study. The funny thing is that the first thing that came to my mind was to blog.
I don't know...I have so much to say, but I really should get studying. I am at a point of great confusion, possibly frustration, and just a mix of emotions. BLAH.
Anyway, time to study.

Merced pt.2 lg. 7

Going to Merced I was reminded of a time back in my senior year of High School. Acceptance letters hadn't came out yet, but I felt the Lord leading me to Merced. And I had my mind set, pretty much ready to go, all I had to do was ask a couple people their opinions and if anyone had a good enough reason for me to go somewhere else then I'd pray about it again.
And then came the big envelopes, UC Merced (ease), UC Riverside (ease), UC Davis (surprised), UC San Diego (REALLY SURPRISED). And then my two small rejection letters from Irvine and LA.
But then even with my acceptance to San Diego I still had my mind set on Merced, and then I talked to my Pastor and he said "you still have a duty to you family, if you go to Merced it'll be too far."
And so I made my decision to go to San Diego.

Now that I look back and I sometimes get to thinking how it would be like if I went to Merced. I wonder how different I would be, what I would be doing, and what kind of problems I would be going through. I know that I God would definitely be showing me different things in probably extremely different ways, and God would be taking me through totally different struggles and trials. And when I think that, I get into this mode of wishing that I went to Merced because then I wouldn't have to be going through the various things that I'm going through now.
But on the drive back to home, I was reminded and encouraged by a sister that "there is a purpose for everything" and that I am where I am for a reason. And God really is teaching me a lot...but it's tough. I recently read a pretty funny quote:
"nobody ever said that life was going to be easy... but nobody ever said it was going to be this hard."
I found that pretty interesting, but you live and you learn right?

This is probably the closest I've ever come to regretting something, but in all reality, things could be worse.

Anyway, Merced was really encouraging. Getting up there was a struggle, I won't go into detail but the devil attacked me in a harsh way and my attitude (half the way up) was definitely not on blessing them. But after a quick stop at Denny's and 5 cups of hot chocolate and some fellowship with the people in my car, the Lord lifted my spirit up again.
While we were there we handed out fliers to people on campus and I realized that Merced people are so chill. They actually take time to stop and see what it's really about, and they rarely blew me off. That made me so comfortable and it got me really going on inviting these Mercedians to the large group.
I feel like every time I go up, the brothers and sisters there are so welcoming and they make me feel so happy and joyful. Goodness, God is doing a great work in Merced and I encourage each of those that read this blog of mine to say a short prayer for the campus and for their InterVarsity group.
And if you are from Merced and are reading this, Keep up the good work! And I'll be back soon!

This feels like a long blog (it took me two times to write it). Sorry that you had to endure through it all.

Reblog: On grace.

Reblog: Grace Fang


oh the irony of how much I am blogging on xanga instead of tumblr thinking that it'll be more private this way when a blog is meant to just be your transparent self to the world.

Today is one of those days where I really don't know what God is doing in my life. I feel like I've been wandering in clouds for so long. stumbling. bruising. And time isn't clearing anything up. So this is what it feels like to really love someone so much and have it hurt when it is not reciprocated. This is a glimpse of what Jesus felt on the Cross. These few days, I've been learning how all the struggles, hurts, and uncertainties I deal with, Jesus went BEFORE me and understands. When I can't even muster up the words to talk about how I feel or when I can't even believe reality, in silence, He understands.

Grace is such a hard thing to live out and carry. I've also been realizing that love isn't complete without grace.




Let me feel You.
be so real.


I don't know if this is how I feel. I have a feeling that it is...and yet, I don't want to understand. This "love" will be my breaking point, and still it will be my saving grace. I yearn for the day where I can see the "girl of my dreams," sometimes I wish I could just *click* and fast forward through all of this pain. But I come back to reality and realize it's just some movie fantasy only dreamt upon by cowards. Coward... I'd rather be one than go through all of this.
But Jesus never said that. So I'm not going to think that. How stupid of me to even say that...
oh grace, how I can sympathize with you.

Christmas music

Driving around and running errands today, I turned to 103.5 for some Christmas songs just to get my spirit lifted up a bit. And it got me all happy and thinking about Christmas and stuff. Until Jingle Bells came on...then it reminded me of China.
The sounds of the kids obnoxiously singing at the top of their lungs rang in my head. I remembered it all: teaching them the songs, the melody, and even hand motions... then teaching them to sing as loud as they could so we could parade around the school and annoy the other teachers.
The thing about me reminiscing about China is that I start to think of each of the faces that I taught, played basketball with, sang with, and spent time with, and get to wondering what has happened to them. Even though it was 1 month out of my year, I always feel that it is too short. I want more than 1 month with them, I want eternity with them.
I know it's too late for me to go back now to each of my students and tell them all about the love of the Lord. And for the most part, I won't see them ever again, but with that I want to go back. I want to go and change the lives of everyone that I touch/see/come in contact with. I want them to have their eyes opened to a new world, the world of better than earthly riches, better than the comfortability of America, I want them to see God.

Lord send me. Take me from this heart wrenching place into a new place. Send me, I'll go.

The Preciousness of Soli Deo

I love my homegroup. I love the people. I love the atmosphere. I love everything about it. Just looking back at how far we've come, from the time I started praying for it in my senior year of High School all the way til this very day, I am amazed at what the Lord has done.
We are definitely learning how to strive in unity as a group, but at the same time we're also learning a lot about ourselves individually. But the one thing that always turns my frown into a smile is the joyfulness in our sisters.
Quite frankly I've been going through some crazy things recently (as you can tell from my last post) but when I started to zone out and into my own world, I feel a tap on my shoulder and as I turn around it's none other than Delia and all 30 teeth showing through the biggest smile I've ever seen. And I can't help but smile. It's nothing big, but a smile can definitely brighten a day.
Praise the Lord for Soli Deo.

The Love of a Father.

Despite the differences in opinions in almost every aspect of life, the bond between father and son places them aside and embraces the fact that family loves regardless.

lesson learned.

Almost three months ago I got into a huge argument with my dad. An argument which brutally destroyed every last known connection that I had with my father. I thought that the 3000 miles of separation would be the buffer which would ease the pain. And it did...for about a month. After that month I realized that my bitterness was gone, and all that was left was a void that was unfillable by anything. And even in the midst of seemingly "bigger" problems, I saw that the Lord was teaching me about the importance of family and friends.

And as I realized that today is officially my third year in having my license, I remembered that it was also my dad's birthday. I wanted to forgive him, but I didn't want to call him. I wanted to talk to him, but I couldn't bear pressing the call button. And so I didn't, for the longest time. Until today.

Today as I sat around in Tenju (still am sitting), I realized how badly I wanted to just talk to him. And as I pressed my speed dial 3, I got a message saying that the number was not in use anymore. I thought to myself "at least I tried." But for some reason my heart was not satisfied, so I searched my phone book for his second cellphone number. And within the first two rings, my dad picked up. The conversation went a little like this:

"Hi ba."
"Oh, JY?"
"No, it's goh goh" (older brother in canto)
"Oh, hi how are you?"
"Good, happy birthday"
"Thank you..."
some small talk, and then bye.
conversation time: less than a minute.

I remember I used to talk to my dad for 30 minutes to even an hour, but now I couldn't even hold a conversation for more than a minute. And the thing that got to me was that when he found out it was me, his voice turned so happy. But for some reason I couldn't talk to him for long...I couldn't bear to. I realized how much I missed my dad.

The thing that started to make me miss him was a conversation I had with my brother about my dad. I asked him how he was doing, and he said that my dad was a little sad because (this is what my dad said): "it doesn't matter that I won custody over your little step brother because even though I gained one son, I lost another one." And when he said that, it totally broke my heart.

I think I've learned a good lesson, and now I just need to pray for full restoration.

An adventure.

An adventure is not an adventure unless filled with ups and downs, trials by fire, triumphs in war, knights in shining armor, and fire breathing dragons...

okay. probably not the latter two, but God is definitely taking me on an adventure.

Reblog: What a contrast.

I like this post.


Reblog: What a contrast.
Christine Chiu


What a contrast.
What a contrast between this year and the last.  This whole year, I've just been walking through a season of refining, weakness & brokenness.  The outpourings of love and intimacy of last year are barely sustaining me now.  I can't live off stale bread.  My times with the Lord have become an aimless and fractic search for good soil upon which my roots may be planted and grounded firmly.  Slowly, the leaves are losing its nutrients.  I have hardly anymore love & grace to give.  I can't find it.  I can't find that place.  Perhaps, He's doing this so that my roots dig deeper, reach out wider, implant themselves more securely?  Perhaps, within the frantic search, Jesus is drawing me to fight harder, to press into Him more fervantly, to fight unceasingly.  In that sense, what may seem as an aimless search has actually been a guided one all along & more than that...by one of the best Guiders of them all.  & thus, my roots become ever more rooted and grounded.  Yea, maybe that's it.  I'm trying to make sense of something that makes no sense to me right now.  I don't want to be grasping at air in my times with You anymore.
Jesus, draw ever close to me.


"I know you don't come as easy as some...
But I will watch and pray
I will watch and pray."

Reblog: It's the beauty of Simplicity

I can't exactly take the pictures and stuff. Well I'm too lazy to. maybe later but here it is from Jane Wu's tumblr. Speaks the words right out of my mouth:


its the beauty of simplicity

C0R0N4

my safe place away from home. It now seems like a place where I can go and just forget about all of the problems of this nasty world.

And off I go!

Ministry.

Luke 10:38-42

 ³⁸Now as they went on their way, Jesus entered a village. And a woman named Martha welcomed him into her house. ³⁹And she had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet and listened to his teaching. ⁴⁰But Martha was distracted with much serving. And she went up to him and said, "Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to serve alone? Tell her then to help me." ⁴¹But the Lord answered her, "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and troubled about many things, ⁴²but one thing is necessary. Mary has chosen the good portion, which will not be taken away from her."

Serving in ministry I'm constantly reminded of this short passage. It says that we must not be caught up in it so much that we forget about coming before the Lord and listening to him. The thing about it is that I've never thought of myself as being distracted, at least not from coming before the Lord. Serving, for me, usually entailed coming before the Lord so that I would have the strength to do ministry. But then I started to realize that I was placing the standard of "sitting before the Lord." Which consisted of seeking the Lord everyday, but only conveniently. And I think that is something that I have been learning throughout this quarter, how to seek the Lord in everything that I do, and everywhere in which I do it.

This past quarter has been quite an interesting one. Trials have been hitting me from the left and right, but this time the trials are fewer but they are definitely harder. Sometimes I feel like I would want to just click the fast forward button (watched part of click today) and just get this part of life over with, but a lot of the time I want to just stay in the moment forever. There were times where I felt like I was on top of the world, but more times than not I felt like I had just lost all hope to fight. The thing is though that I am far from done with one of the biggest, longest, hardest battle that I've possibly fought in my entire life.

God is teaching me so much, but sometimes I wish that he could just take it all away. But then again thats where the fun and excitement and sponteneousism from life comes from.

Speaking of spontaneous, I'm in Irvine now. Gosh, I need to stop with this fun training, it'll be the death of me.

I guess this post wasn't mostly about ministry, but I just decided to ramble...what am I saying....goodnight world.

Brothers Appreciation.

Yesterday marked the day of the first brothers appreciation!
So what I thought was that we just all would dress up nice, meet up and a place where the girls would pick us up and take us to one of their apartments or houses to eat. Little did I know what awaited me.

at around 7:30 I made it to Price Center, the meet up spot for the bros. And once we all got there Jared pulled this out...

I should've known that them SD girls were up to no good. And I knew we were going on a scavenger hunt across the largest UC campus. The next clue led us to...

Where we have morning prayer every Wednesday. By then we were all really hungry and decided that we should stop by the dining hall to grab a bite. JUST KIDDING! Moving on...

The next clue was at a place where we studied the night before. It took a long 10 minutes of uphill walking to get there...by then our jokes of eating at a dining hall were starting to turn into real thoughts

The next clue went something like this "...you need COURAGE to come in here..." and once we found out it was the women's restroom, everyone automatically volunteered me. SIGH. And when I ran in to grab it, a girl was in there and she screamed and slapped me. just kidding. I just had to walk in a little bit.

After that clue we got picked up and driven to Laura's house where the delicious food awaited us...

Cooked by none other than our beautiful Soli Deo sisters.

And after a game of Naked we decided to just chill and take pictures...

Here's us brothers with our superhero signs and our letter boxes from our sisters!

That's our beautiful homegroup!

Solely Deyooo!

And last but DEFINITELY not least...The ones that made this AMAZING night possible...our beautiful sisters!

Thanks gals for an amazing night! It really was a blessing and an encouragement to all of us brothers! We love you!

Cute.

Ever since last night when I burned Taylor Swift's Platinum edition CD from Christine, it's all I've been listening to. Yea I know, it's so girly or whatever, but hey her music is pretty catchy! It makes me all smiley just listening to just the lyrics to her new song "Jump then Fall." So yea, no reason to this post, just a little randomness that I ran to on the way back from studying.

As I was almost reached my apartment, something on the floor caught my eye. A bunch of colored paper arrows, a pink one, a green one, and I think a purple one, and it pointed up the stairs. As I took another step, the paper arrows became a paper heart. And at my next step, I saw some lit candles, and then the next step my eyes met with a pair of cute little eyes. It was a girl bundled up in a blanket, kinda shivering, but nonetheless she gave me a nice warm smile and kinda waved at me. And all I did was grin and kind of chuckle in a "that's cute, good luck way" (whatever way that is..haha).
The first thing I thought was, man she's cold. But I realized that despite the coldness in the air, she probably barely even noticed how hard she was shivering. oh, what love does to people. The second thing was that I remembered seeing a guy wandering lost around the apartment area, trying to look for the apartment building numbers, and I realized that he was looking for her! It was pretty cute. I hope they have a good time watching the meteor showers tonight.

Now I'm going to go shower, maybe watch the meteor shower for a while, then knock out.

Love.

Reblog Eddie Leu:

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn’t it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life…You give them a piece of you. They didn’t ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn’t your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like ‘maybe we should be just friends’ turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It’s a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

-
Neil Gaiman (via kari-shma) (via quote-book)
To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will be wrung and possible broken. If you want to make sure in keeping it intact. You must give your heart to no one and no thing. Be consumed in little hobbies and little luxuries, avoid all entanglements, lock it up safe in a casket of your selfishness. But in that casket, dark and motionless, you heart will not be broken. In fact, it will be unbreakable, impenetrable, and irredeemable.
-C. S. Lewis


~
I guess as I read these quotes over and over again I realize the depth of where they came from. To write like this must come from a persons so hurt that it must be too hard to want to love again. To love, to like, to admire, to give your heart away, and in the end be received with closed arms is by far one of the most painful things. But is it worth it if you choose to not love out of fear of being hurt? Is it worth it to go through these struggles, in hopes to one day get this "love?"
The really "emo" post that I posted about a week ago has to do with just this...love. Actually, I wouldn't put it in words as strong as love, but rather as deep attraction, or something along those lines. And C.S. Lewis puts it in just the right words, I've given up (not on life, or anything of that sort) on the idea of pursuing love. Simple as that. Can't really say much more than this, but God is teaching me a lot about myself.

Living out the Power of God.

"For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is the power of God for salvation to everyone who believes..." Romans 1:16

As I am continually being encouraged by the Christians that are living out the gospel in Merced, I am reminded of the message that I gave the night that we left to Merced.
The message was about the Gospel, but more importantly focusing on Living out the gospel before we preach it and spread it.
One thing that the Lord has been showing me goes along the lines of the saying "you talk the talk, but can you walk the walk."By backing up our words with our lives, we would are able to be true lights of God.
The Gospel is not just a message that we preach because Jesus commanded it, but I like to think of it as something very much like how Paul describes it, the "power of God." This power of God that we are able to wield is so strong that it can save the lost.
I remember reading a book that talked of why dressing nicely and having good hygiene was important. And now as I come to a point in realizing that being studious and hard working lies within the same boundaries, I'm aiming to perfect myself in every way possible. Perfection, I believe, is unattainable by human means, and that is why I must rely on the Power of God (a.k.a. the Gospel) to complete me.
Which leads me to my realization of the importance in pursuing the Lord. Yes, by living the life we can say we are already "pursuing God" but what I am saying is to actively, mindfully seek the Lord.
To do this requires discipline and a mindset ready to give up all to receive all. Sacrificing the self and all of the selfs desires to attain the desires of the most high God.

Another late night blog, and I know that when I wake up and reread this, I'll have found myself reading something that I probably don't remember writing.

New Resolutions for my future school years.

-I will go to every class and will not ditch without good reason (and without talking to the professor or T.A. ahead of time)
-I will sit within the first 5 rows of the classroom for lectures.
-I will sit within the first two rows of the classroom for sections.
-I will have my papers fully written 1 day before the due date.
-I will do my class readings on time.
-I will set apart 2 hours per class per week.

I know a lot of people are probably like "what the freak, YY you're never going to do this." But I am determined to prove each and every one of you wrong!
I guess the reason for such extreme measures is because I missed my midterm. And even though I just found out he's letting me make up half of it, I realized that I'm slacking way too much in my school work. Time to get to work!

Legit.

Last night was quite possibly one of the most intense nights I have had in my entire life. I was so encouraged by the testimonies of those from Merced. We went about 3 hours of just pouring our our hearts and the Lord was just really moving in their hearts.
I really see God doing AMAZING things here in Merced and I am so encouraged by the brothers and sisters fighting here on the Merced front. Boy, are these Mercedians so legit.

Merced.

As a heads up, this is not the note on which I tell of what is going on. That will be posted when I feel I am ready to put it all out.
I'm madly in love with Mercedians. They are so funny and really uplifting. It's only been half a day and I find myself feeling somewhat better. Driving up here in the A.M.s was surprisingly not hard at all. I drove the whole way up and I still was wide awake when I got here. I know that most of this awake-ness is coming from just having my thoughts racing all around my head.
All of this confusion and frustration is affecting me in ways that just are getting me more and more jacked up. My attitude is noticeably bad, to at least those who know me well enough, but I think as I start just chilling with Merced peeps more and more, I'm able to suppress a lot of these emotions that are consuming me.
Jackie, Cat, and Irving are all KTFO'd after a long night, well sort of. But I'm still wide awake and just trying to get my mind off of things. I pray that this would soon be gone, but that's just a wild dream.

"I'm desperate for your touch,
Never needed you so much,
Cause all I want is You"
oh God help me.

Defeated.

As I sit here in the wee hours, my head is swirling with thoughts. No caffeine is keeping me up, not my roommate up making a ruckus, and I'm definitely not wanting to be awake. I am up because emotions are swirling my head, and with Irvine guys here I definitely cannot show it. Simply put, I have reached the point of exhaustion to which I have never imagined that I would reach, I've found my limit to which I have lost the will to fight. And in this time, I feel lost, confused, frustrated, angry.
I've lost battles before, I've fought and fell in times of trials, but NEVER have I given up. There has not been one instance in which I have given up hope, and today, tonight, I have realized that I have reached the point of defeat. My sword is dropped and my shield is lowered, I've pushed for my all and have gotten nothing but pain in return, and I now clearly see that the road ahead is not to glory, but it is a road of just more frustration and anger. I have even lost the desire to be defeated with my head held high, I am no longer the cornered dog that would bark and growl, I can now only whimper. Or rather, I am now only whimpering.
My dreams are crushed and the only support that is barely keeping me on my legs is the Lord. Sad to say that there is no happy ending. This is the end of the book. Herein lies the final words of the warrior who fell. And although there very well might be a time where I reopen this book and continue writing, the chance to which I take this book and burn it, bury it, or hide it away forever is just as likely. I am a warrior defeated.

I know these words are very vague, and more than likely I'll post again about the truth of the matter, and maybe even give you a taste of what really is going on.

So Good So So Good to me!

"He picked me up and he turned me around, and he placed my feet on the solid ground!"

Oh God, I'm definitely starting to slack off a lot more. I really need the strength to push through these days of class. There's so much to do and so little time! Thanks for always encouraging me through your words and you quiet whispers.

The one thing that's been keeping me running this race, and not slowing down, is the joy that I get from the Lord when I open up my Bible. The Lord has really been showing me so much of the importance of the Gospel in just everywhere I turn. I guess I can't write too much about it now because I'm giving a message on it this Thursday and I don't want to spoil it for and Soli Deo people.
But I've definitely been learning how to LIVE the Gospel before I preach it.

Something short that's been on my mind before I start this busy day of classes.

Hallelujah Festival

reblog Soli Deo:

Man I love San Diego people. I love how they are sooo down to just do crazy stuff like make costumes and stuff. Anyway here’s a picture of Delia, Jared, and Jackie (not SD but whatevs) making our costumes of the lost boys in peter pan:

And here’s us making the costumes!

And here is the final outcome!

We’re so awesome.

Shred Til Ya Drop.

Bought a new Burton Clash SnowBoard @ Skidazzle this Saturday for $160.
Finally found time to attach my 08 Burton Freestyles.

Busted out my Burton Motos.
Once again unshelved my box of Snowboard ish.
















And the cherry on top is my Mt. High Season Pass.
What do I get? A season full of shredding.

Long days. Good days.

This week has been one of the most longest weeks, and weekends still don't seem like weekends, and chillin doesn't seem like chillin. Weird huh?
The thing about it is that these days, no matter how long, have been awesome. I survived midterms week, only to be awaited with a visit from the post college/college people for homegroup. Then after a great night of super sergios, there was my church's worship night, a praise night, then a much delayed trip to Temple City/Arcadia/errthang down there. Then this morning we went to skidazzle @ LA convention center, then had to go and prepare costumes for homegroup, then Hallelujah festival, then Catherine's birthday thing at mac grill.
By the way, Happy birthday Cat!
Anyway, things have been long, and I think I'm just halfway through. It's definitely been fun, but I'm dead exhausted. Praise the Lord for Daylight Savings.
Time to rest. Goodnight world.

Late night longings.

So today was my rest day after the most hectic of days. Yesterday, I had 3 midterms and a paper due. But as I was resting today, reading my Word, worshipping, napping, surfing the web, watching the Yankees vs. Phillies game, I kept getting these e-mails and tweets about Mt. Highs opening day.
I did not realize how excited I was for this season until right now! As I was chilling at In-n-out with the badminton team, I realized how cold it was, and the scent in the air reminded me of the crisp cool air of the mountains. And even with all my nonsense of "shredding" and what not, I am prepared for this season. I am ready to conquer Mt. High. Season pass in hand, board in the other, this winter is going to be awesome.
Tomorrow is opening day (for season pass holders only) and I'll be missing out. Sitting in my classes from 9-6 daydreaming about what I could be doing in the hills of Wrightwood. Oh Lord give me focus for the task ahead!
Yes, I know Mt. High isn't the best resort, but nonetheless it is the closest. So what do you say? Let's go shredddddddd.

This is my late night longing. Pretty lame huh?

The Strength of the Lord.

As I opened my Bible to read a little before I got studying for this hectic day, I came upon this verse:
“Seek the Lord and his strength; seek his presence continually!” -Psalm 105:4
The Lord has definitely showed me so much these last couple days. In the midst of pushing myself to Loving the Lord a little more, I have found myself seeking the Lord a lot harder. In this time of refinement, I see myself being transformed. Transformed in many small steps, but just as many big steps. Sometimes I'm scared of who I'm becoming, but other times I'm proud of the progress that I've made.
What the Lord is teaching me now is discipline. Discipline in EVERY aspect of my life. In my studies, in my mentality, in my money management, in my family, discipline of my tongue, of my actions, but most of all my emotions.
I've learned too much that I don't want to learn, sought too much of things for "older people." I'm young, I want to live, I want to play, I want to run free, yet I find myself at a place where though I dream of running free (and many say i still do all these things) I am somewhat happy to the point which I have grown.

Oh what the heck am i doing blogging when I should be studying? Time to tackle these books, tear up these 3 midterms, and LIVE IT UP.

Lucky.

Meet my dog.


His name is Lucky.

I named him Lucky after my first dog that I got when I was 8 years old. The first Lucky died by jumping off of the balcony and was strangled by his leash, we didn't notice cause we went inside to eat dinner (yes, how irresponsible owners we were). That Lucky was named after the Lucky in 101 Dalmatians (yes I'm an avid Disney fan from birth).

Anyway, for some reason I got to thinking that of my old, fat, lonely dog.
(oh and by the way, his seizures stopped praise the Lord!)
I first laid eyes on this dog when he was 1 hour old. My dad used to breed dogs and one day, after coming back from watching Tomb Raider, my step sister came out and said the dog had puppies. And right then and there I chose Lucky, for my dad to bring to me in Cali. After a couple months, my little dog arrived at my house, and he was pretty cute. See?



Lucky is 8 years old! He's getting older and older each day, and I can definitely see it. He's slower, fatter, lazier, and every time I see him I get these mixed emotions. Happy because there's just something about him that just makes me that way. But it makes me sad because he's turned so old and stuff, and today I got to thinking, I'm going to outlive Lucky for sure. I can't imagine the day we'll have to part, I can't imagine the day I come home only to find my house empty without my guard dog. This dog that is so protective over his treats and his beauty sleep, that he would even growl when he is on MY bed. Funny dog huh?
So my resolution! I'm going to play with him more, go out with him more, and hopefully make him an unlonely dog (though he's gotten so used to being lonely, that he gets protective when he sees other dogs). Hopefully next time people go to the dog park I'll go. Or maybe I'll just go with me and lucky one day. hmmmmm maybe this weekend??? So Mike, Dave, and any other dog owners out theree tell me when you go yea?

OH MY BROTHER!

OKay, this is going to be my first seemingly nonserious post. But in reality, it is the most ULTIMATE serious post.

This blog post is about my brother. And how he gets all the chicks. My brother is a chick magnet forsure! (I know I'm partially typing this out of hyperness from drinking too much soda at too late in the night) Anyway, he flirts like crazy, and it seems to work. For example this: FACEBOOK PIC/CONVO

YEA. SERIOUSLY. Then this:



Yea. JACKIE SAID MY BRO IS A QT.

And even before that, HELEN SHEA CALLED MY BRO CUTE.

No. I'm not jealous. I'm just amazed how my bro gets all the chicas.

Goodnight world.


PART 2 (Literally 5 minutes later)

Santa Barbara Saturdays

Well, last night I decided to do something pretty spur of the moment, and go with an old friend to the Santa Barbara Zoo.

Left my house to get to her house in San Gabriel at 11:45ish.
The drive there was a lot longer than I thought, but it was really good catch up time. The zoo was tiny, but it was pretty interesting and we finished walking the zoo in like an hour and a half. I don't think I could've had a more relaxing day. After the zoo we went in search of a nice place to eat, and landed on a pier with some nice seafood.
I think the worst part was hitting traffic on the way back, took a little less than 3 hours to get back to San Gabriel.
It was an overall pretty fun day, real spontaneous, and sucked what little energy I had left.

Got some snapshots with my phone, yea I'm a nub taking pictures with my phone.


One of the zoos with the laziest animals, this otter was sleeping ALL DAY!



Gorilla that kept staring me down o.o


This kid was so cool with his DSI taking pictures, I looked like a noob taking pictures with my phone.


Nice day @ Santa Barbara


Best fried seafood I've had in a long time

First Ditch of Fall '09

Yesterday was my first ditch of this quarter, and hopefully the last. I was pretty bummed, but that's all what yesterday was about. Bumming around. I woke up at 9:40 (meaning I missed morning prayer, and I was 20 minutes away from my first class of the day).
I think ditching yesterday (due to overnapping) made me want to ditch today, but luckily for me I have an apt mate that pushed me to go to class. I'm so behind on a couple of my classes, and I definitely need to get caught up. Wednesday is typically my catch up day, since I only have 2 classes, but yesterday was just a disaster.
I need to get my game back on, hopefully staying in SD these next two days will help me get caught up on all the business that I need to do.

Do the wave.. GoOoGlE WaVe

Got the invitation today, after who knows when of signing up for the beat version. It was interesting playing with it, and playing with Mike Liu and Crystal during my first class of the day! It's really interesting to see the future of Google Wave and what it's going to be used for. Hopefully I'll be able to use it effectively in organizing and just putting things out for my different ministries. Man praise the Lord for technology.

Looks good, and it's just going to get better!

I know I didn't get to explain what it exactly does...so here's a link that Mike posted http://goldsea.com/Text/index.php?id=2781

Screenshot:

Wise words from Claire Bennett

"We learn from what we were to become who we want to be."

While watching Heroes this quote kinda just stuck with me.

Party

Well there's a party over here in my apartment, I guess it's what happens when you live with crazy party kids. I'm not tempted or anything, but as I was doing my devotionals and as my old suitemates started to pile in, there was a huge knot in my stomach. It's something that I haven't ever felt, but I know that it was because it just pained me so much to see these people live lives like this. I want to do something, but I feel like I can't. I'm going to go take a walk, maybe chill for a bit.

oh God give me your strength and "Teach me your way, O Lord, that I may walk in your truth' unite my heart to fear your name. I give thanks to you O Lord my God, with my whole heart, and I will glorify your name forever." (Psalm 86:11-12)
Amen.

So far so good!

In these past two and a half weeks, I am proud to say I have not ditched yet! I think partially it has to do with how stacked my classes are, and partially because I am ready to excel in the realm of academia! SIGH. Who am I kidding? I wish I could have that mindset of trying really hard in my classes. Even though two weeks of not ditching may not seem amazing to most of you, it's a huge accomplishment for me.
Even though I only have 3 days worth of class, I feel like I use the rest of the days to recuperate from just this tiring lifestyle. Sure I put this on myself, but what's done is done right? I finally feel like my body is semi adjusting, and that I am starting to get back into this schooling life. But many times I sit in class and I think of the future, or I think of what I can be doing now. And many times I find myself being drawn to the fact of going to China.
This can't be the "Missions High" that everyone talks about, after all it's been a little over a year since I've started feeling this way. I know the Lord is pressing upon my heart this desire to go back and do His works. And many times I go into these day dreaming moments where I get these crazy farfetched ideas of staying in China longterm. And then I'm shot back into reality. a reality of needing to take care of my family, and needing to finish my education, and needing to pursue a future. And with that, I need to focus, focus on everything that I'm doing now, focus on the ministries placed before me, and with what I have I'm going to go with it. Not longing for anything more, but learning to make more with what I have.

Prospective Grads

Having such long hours of class requires having a long attention span, which I do not have. So with the beauty of technology I have unlimited time to browse the World Wide Web. And during my history class (which I am still currently sitting in), I decided to look into something that seems so far off, but in reality it's not really too far away. Grad School.
For some odd reason, I spent most of my time looking at Biola's Grad programs, and I found the section "School of Education" but something else also caught my attention "Talbot School of Theology." And even though it does seem farfetched, something inside of me has been thinking a lot about seminary. I have no idea where I'm going with it, maybe just some rambling to kill some time during my second to last class.
Grad School. So far away!

i'm trying

The drive back from San Diego is always precious time spent well with the Lord, but could be done without "wasting my time" every single weekend. My mission field, San Diego, is supposed to be where I'm at. Fun training, or traveling (by normal terms), too much isn't good for me and I need to focus on SD.
It's funny because when people remind me of these things (which I often get a lot of), I get offended. Yes, thank you for the reminders and it's good to remind people to keep them in check, but after 2 or 3 times it gets offending, almost as if they think I'm dumb. So maybe for (hopefully) the last time, I'll clearly outline for what, and why I make this 1 and a half hour commute each weekend and each beginning of the week to and fro the beautiful San Diego.

1. Family
2. Church (Livingstone)
3. Church (HoC)
4. Fun.

Family. 2 years ago, I made a promise to my dad that when I went to college I would make sure my family would be alright. Being in a single family home is not easy, not the least bit, yes there may be dysfunctional families out there that "have it worse," but a wife devoid of a husband, and a son devoid of a father is one of the hardest things to live with. And so with that vow, I knew that even if I just showed my face at home, it would bring a smile to my mother's face, and some encouragement to my brother's heart. And in the first year of coming back each weekend, I saw improvement. There wasn't another family member leaving the house, nobody abandoning this already abandoned family, there was just a son and a brother who cared enough to come back.

Church. Livingstone Alliance was my home church ever since I moved to California. The church I was raised in, and that loved me and respected me. It was the youth group in which I saw built up from nothing into something. And even though at points in my walk I just wanted to leave and go to HoC, my mother's will (which I believe to be God's will), pushed me to stay. Well, forcing me at first, and then when I developed this heart for it, I wanted to stay. My church has a cycle that when a student goes into college, they just leave the church, completely. The "blackhole of college," was my fear, and the greatest weakness of our church, and one of the reasons I believed was why our group couldn't grow anymore. And when I did come back every weekend, I saw change. I knew people were being more encouraged, from our adult leaders to the middle schoolers, and in this, I know I have done my job.

Church. Home of Christians. I guess this is what applies most to those who read my blog. Honestly, I have been very blessed by the congregation of HoC. It's been about 5 almost 6 years since I first came and started to meet people, OIC, etc. It's been the very foundation of my walk with the Lord, and I very much appreciate it. And even though HoC isn't my home home church, I still consider it one of my home churches, just because of (what I feel is) strong ties. I put a lot effort and time into the ministries (OIC, and Soli Deo).
BUT, The main reason why I come back each week, is the same reason to fix why most people thought that a SD homegroup wouldn't work. It's to keep a connection. Even though hanging out is fun, I can do that without going to service or going to church. I thought that it would be good to keep a consistency with the church, and so I try to come as much as possible, if it doesn't register yet, it's hard work. I do it not for the sake of myself, but for the sake of homegroup. I do it not for the sake of maintaining the strong tie between church and homegroup, but rather to maintain the same vision. But (yes here comes the but), I feel like sometimes it's very much not seen and very not much appreciated. I ask a question and many times the response it "you're not a part of HoC, so..." or "it's for HoC only..." and while that may be true, I do these things so that those HoCers in San Diego can know what's going on, and so that Soli Deo isn't just another "ministry" that's on campus, but a small group that still remembers the vision that it is carrying out.
I guess that's enough of my vent...Sorry this applies only to a small minority of people. It's happened before, but a lot more recently.

Fun. Yes. Self-explanatory, I don't need to go into detail. I love hanging out back at home. I love the hub. I love the people here. done.

So there you go, those are the reasons that I do come home, and I know there are those that really enjoy it when i come back, and it's all chill and fun and stuff, so just ignore this post. But just a little venting that I needed to express.

Bye.

a new heart...

There's something that has really been tugging at my heart recently, and frankly I'm a bit surprised. Well, I shouldn't be surprised, it's actually what I have wanted all along, but the timing seems a tadbit off. The title of this post should be more on the side of "a rediscovered heart..."

I guess it all started during the baptisms of some of the youth at Livingstone (my home home church). Just seeing that 4 out of many candidates were baptized. And in this past week, I've been discovering more and more why people weren't baptized, and some of the reasons break my heart. And to those who have been baptized, I see a true transformation, and I see desire. My church makes the process of being baptized a serious issues, filled with endless sunday classes, an interview, and other stuff, I used to think it was all dumb. But after this last baptism, I see real maturity in the newly baptized believers, I see them thirsting after the Lord. I see that they don't need someone to push them, but that they are really striving after the Lord.
But this new heart I'm talking about, it has to do with both those who haven't been baptized and those that have been. I see something changing in our group at Livingston, and I know it is only by the Lord's doing. I know that the enemy is attacking, and I think it's about time I stepped it up a bit at my church, take bolder steps, and do bolder things.

It's time to improve not for the sake of improving, but improve for the sake of glorifying the Lord.
This new heart, is not for myself, but for those of Livingstone Alliance Church.

2009 Livingstone Baptism for my broz

Surrogacy

~ Warning. Movie Spoiler for the new movie Surrogate. ~

Surrogate. Overall, 4.5/5

It's a pretty good movie for something that hasn't been hyped up. It isn't a movie for just anyone to watch. It kept me thinking, but not just about what was going to happen next or anything directly related to the movie, but just about the different concepts and ideas that this movie spawn from. The reason why I rate it so high is because after one of the longest school days of my life, and a tiring drive back from San Diego, this hour and a half long movie managed to gain my full attention, and kept my mind moving. Acting wasn't half bad since most of the time it was robots, reminded me a bit of iRobot the way they moved, and the plot was a little...unexpected to say the least. Filled with a couple surprises and it was like a PG rated movie (I think PG-13, but the way movies are rated now-a-days it might as well be).

So now to the "movie spoiler" part of my very first movie review. well sorta.

The movie was basically about technology, it's social influences, it's addictive properties, it's ability to create a "new" life, and a lot of the modern day problems of the advancement of technology.

The first thing that struck me hard was that each human had their surrogate (a robot that represented themselves in their daily lives), and the surrogate did their daily routines by control of mind through a control center (controlled by the real human at home). Portraying the slothfulness of mankind by having them never leave their homes, I think this is a pretty good representation of all the n33ts, hardcore gamers, geeks, and all the other people that spend more time on their virtual lives than physical lives. If this is truly "advancement" then maybe one day in the not too distant future, everyone will be something like that.

The second thing is that each surrogate had a youthful body, nice and fit, no wrinkles, nice eyes, perfect teeth, basically the "perfect body." This fake image of people represents another part of technology that isn't too much of a problem, but it is what makes the online community so fakely appealing. The idea that you can be transformed by using the internet. It is a place where the introverts can become outspoken and a place to create new identity. Even though in comparison it may seem too far from reality, with time I do believe that similar things can happen.

The addiction is my last point. Technology, as you can see from me being on my laptop at 3 a.m. is very addicting, this is undeniable. A new way to communicate with people, access to unlimited information, but regardless of the use, it's addicting. The movie takes it even further to say that through these different characteristics of new technology (of creating a new self), it has become a new lifestyle. Technology is becoming to future of mankind. This new lifestyle, once created, becomes so addicting that the word addicting is an understatement.

Sorry, I know I said last point, but a line in the movie caught my attention "to kill the addiction you have to kill the addict," the whole car ride back I was asking my brother what he got from it (we went to watch it for his birthday), but this quote was ringing in my head. I think this is partially true, obviously not kill the physical body, but the mental body that is attached to the addiction. "I have been crucified with Christ, that I no longer live, but Christ lives in me, the life I live..." That's the verse that came immediately to me. Some food for thought, do you kill the addict to kill the addiction?

This movie DEFINITELY makes you think a lot, though it isn't too suspenseful or actiony, or dramaticy, or lubby dubby, or anything of those sorts, I recommend it for those who want to challenge themselves about the world that we live in today.

Now we type with our fingers, what if we could type with our thoughts? o.o Before you think I'm crazy (i'm probably just really tired) think about this, the world was first thought to be flat, cause if it wasn't the water would fall off right? Things unimaginable can become reality.

First day of class

I'm only half way through my first day as a second year and I'm bored out of my living mind. 5 lectures straight from 9:30-5 (on tuesdays and thursdays). And almost every class that I have consist of 90% freshmen, man I'm such a noob.

Here is my schedule (as of today):

I've ran out of places to go on the internet, schedule that I could make on my iCal, and so I come back to blogging. SIGH, I've never done this much class in my life, and the sad thing is that the classes that I'm expecting to drop don't look half bad so I might stick with this for a bit. We'll see where the Lord leads.

For now back to class! 3 down, two more to go...

Bored in my room

its 12:30 and today was probably the most unproductive day in the history of YY.

~end post.

Moving in

Driving down the 5 as we passed the Carmel Mountain exit, I got excited to get back to San Diego.

Entering Sixth college with my car full of dorm stuffs, Jackie sleeping in the front seat, and Sylvia chilling in the back, I was eager to get all moved in.

And when I entered my apartment, I knew that it was going to be a crazy year. with 3 people already moved in (from my last years res halls) they had 3 amps, a drum set, a bass, electric guitar, and a lot of other stuff (one of which was a stolen cardboard cutout of a man from Ralphs)

Moving in was really interesting, the room felt small, but it wasn't too bad. And afterward to celebrate we went out to Phil's BBQ! A table of 25, and it was basically 5 different parties who have never met each other and we just chilled and ate.

Then afterward I had to drive all the way back home on a crazies stomachache and headache, missed the exit, took the long way home, and finally here in Corona. School year hasn't started but I guess I consider this the first of many fun trains this year. (soon to be blogged more about)

oh how I miss you San Diego.

Love will find a way to break through.

My favorite part of life is simply reconciliation.

This life is made for reconciliation,

from imperfect humans reconciling with the perfect Lord.

to long lost children reconciling with loving parents.

to old friends reconciling with their childhood buddies.

but my most favorite...

is the reconciliation of a broken friendship, made new into a bond formed stronger than the one that was broken.

And in this all, I realized that reconciliation is made possible by Love. Not the "love" that comes from the world, but out of sacrifice. To gain something beautiful must cost something painful. The cost of new life was death on the cross and the cost for reformed friendship is the risk of losing it altogether.

what a beautiful word. reconciliation. Love.

The Lost Symbol

Just finished reading Dan Brown's new book!

Actually it took me longer than I expected, but this week has been pretty jacked up for me.

Anyway, I'm going to attempt to write my first book review (or so I'll call it).

The beginning of the book was a bit slow, though I kind of expected it considering that the book looked bigger than the rest of Dan Brown's works. From the night that I first opened the book, I was surprised, it was a book that I could actually put down and go to sleep without getting all antsy about picking up from where I left off the next day. But at the same time, even though it didn't capture my full attention, the kept reading.

Plot wise, the story was well built (like most of Dan Brown's works) and well finished. It kept a consistent pace from cover to cover, and the tone and transitions were very fluid. The antagonist was a bit more gruesome and at points the story kept me at the edge.

(now to get to what I was thinking in my head)

The story isn't based on Roman Catholicism or any target belief, but is composed of most of the major world religions. And at times I had to pray about keeping focused and realizing that this was all fiction. Many times I found myself on the computer researching to see if some of it was true, but every time I would stop myself midway of the search and just continue reading. Of course, as we see from the Da Vinci Code, Dan Brown's work can be quite controversial, and although this book probably won't stir up as much talk as the Da Vinci Code, you can definitely see how Dan Brown uses small facts to build up a larger picture of having Christian's question their faith.

I suggest that those of you who do plan on reading this book to prepare your hearts and minds, and it is not a direct attack, but rather a slow pushing of ideas and thoughts to formulate a bigger "attack."

Overall, it is a good book and I'm really satisfied with it. I rate it a 9/10.

First Repost (or whatever you call it)

Joe Tsang:(via daphneemarie)

…and that is the nature of woman: to love when we love them not and not to love when we do.

(disclaimer: I don’t believe what i just wrote, although my experience tells me its right, its just the first quote that popped in my mind when i saw this. )

my thoughts: Pretty funny, yet seemingly true. Maybe I'll post more thoughts on it later.

And I await the words...

After a long time of not meditating and waiting on the Lord, the problems surface. Spiritually speaking, the attack has begun. I'm being surrounded on every side, pushed in to my very core by every means possible. The enemy has found my weakness and is advancing, taking over my expansions that I felt I had worked so hard for.

My financial tower is crushed, impenetrable (or so I thought) wall of confidence has fallen, my dad basically "disowned" me, my emotional barriers have crumbled, and all because of my incapability to push to maintain a consistent time with the Lord.

I'm tired of fighting these battles, and yet I know the Lord is calling me to leave it to Him. But I don't know what is getting in my way. Is it my pride? Is it my faith? I have absolutely no clue. Yea, these words are those of a depressed man, and I guess it's something that I was going through.

Yea, those are words of the past, probably about an hour or so ago. Now I feel like I've given the reins to the Lord. To have Him do what He will is my new will. Now to prevent me from grabbing those reins back, I realized I need to handcuff myself and let the battles begin. I've seen the Lord knock down my problems before, and now I'm about to watch it again. From the North to the South, from the East to the West, I have been given a new hope. It's time to listen to the words that He so gently whispers.

And the funny thing is that with all the noise around, it's hard to just sit and listen. It's hard to listen for that whisper. I just want the world to shut up so I could listen. It's time to listen, time to pray.

To the few of you who read my blog, just pray for a peace in my heart.

To those that are concerned, don't be, I have the Lord on my side.