Sorry this post is just a big venting time for me...
Does it really? Is it really time that heals all wounds? Can it be that simple?
Does time heal all wounds or does it merely numb it?
In my opinion, something more than time is needed to heal these lacerations that mar my heart. It's so easy to make myself a facade to fool myself and others into thinking that everything is alright... but the truth always hits, and most of the time it hits hard.
I'm sick of these empty lies which plague my thoughts and my mind. I'm tired of these "solutions" that only bring my more pain. I once posted that I'm done fighting this fight. In reality, at that point I was barely getting started on that battle... And I have clearly lost... I haven't lost the battle, but i've lost the will to fight.
And now I sit in my room, in the dark, on the nicest day of the week... needing to study, needing to get back on track, needing to do a million other things... but I can't seem to pull myself out of this misery.
Depression? *shrug*
I need more than just time to heal these wounds, I need the Lord, I need a miracle.
It seems like I just keep going down this downhill road towards my destruction, and the road looks long. It looks like I'll never be able to pull myself up, but I need to. I need to jump over this hurdle, I need to press on, I need to...
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
From the beautiful beaches of La Jolla to the ghetto Inner city of San Diego.
Over the course of the rest of this quarter, these three things will be consuming my life.
100 hours of Internship at an off campus middle school/high school charter school.
40 hours of practicum at an off campus high school.
__ hours of work at an off campus elementary school.
All of these three schools that I'm going to be spending time at all lie within a 5 mile radius from each other, and all are about 20 miles away from the beautiful campus of UCSD.
I am going from the beautiful beaches of La Jolla to the ghetto Inner city of San Diego.
I am going from the place of rich college students (rich enough to afford a college education at least) to the place where a college education seems distant.
I am going from a place of rich whites and asians to a place of povertized latinos and african-americans.
I am going to a place where I am so uncomfortable, so out of place, and so different.
And yet... I am happy.
These past two weeks working under a School Psychologist, I've learned a lot about kids from the inner city. I've been in the worst of the worst classes, the classes where you teach 8th graders 4th grade material (not an exaggeration). I've been to a class where people are put there because of their behavioral problems. I've seen class clowns equivalent to the ones that I spent my time with in High School times 20. I've had to counsel kids about why they drew murderous pictures, and even those who wrote about murderous intents in their journals.
But even in the midst of all this, I enjoy it. I enjoy spending time with these attention hungry kids. I enjoy talking with them with their problems, about things that they are going through. These kids are definitely a handful when they go off their mood swings. But when teachers, deans, even my supervisor, couldn't get this student named Wilmer to talk, he trusted me. He was able to talk to me, and even though it was just a couple sentences, and he was definitely holding back, I knew he trusted me.
These kids need so much, and still we (as a society) tend to neglect these students who have so much potential. But they need more than education, they need love. And every time I set foot into the campus, I say a quick silent prayer, a prayer that goes something like this:
"dear Lord, give me the strength to show Your Love on this campus"
And it pushes me through, the long 6 hours zooms by and it feels like I've just been there for a little over an hour.
I just found out this last Tuesday that since the beginning of the school year, 10 teachers have left the school. 4 of those teachers came and left one particular class. 10 TEACHERS! WHAT. THE. FREAK. Nobody ever said teaching was going to be easy, and especially at this school. But how could they do that? When I heard that I was so saddened. I couldn't believe my ears... My dreams and aspirations to become a teacher grew even bigger, I want to touch the lives of kids like these, I want to show them that there are teachers who care...
There is so much to share about internship, but I'm going to give it a rest for a while. I'll share more in the weeks to come.
100 hours of Internship at an off campus middle school/high school charter school.
40 hours of practicum at an off campus high school.
__ hours of work at an off campus elementary school.
All of these three schools that I'm going to be spending time at all lie within a 5 mile radius from each other, and all are about 20 miles away from the beautiful campus of UCSD.
I am going from the beautiful beaches of La Jolla to the ghetto Inner city of San Diego.
I am going from the place of rich college students (rich enough to afford a college education at least) to the place where a college education seems distant.
I am going from a place of rich whites and asians to a place of povertized latinos and african-americans.
I am going to a place where I am so uncomfortable, so out of place, and so different.
And yet... I am happy.
These past two weeks working under a School Psychologist, I've learned a lot about kids from the inner city. I've been in the worst of the worst classes, the classes where you teach 8th graders 4th grade material (not an exaggeration). I've been to a class where people are put there because of their behavioral problems. I've seen class clowns equivalent to the ones that I spent my time with in High School times 20. I've had to counsel kids about why they drew murderous pictures, and even those who wrote about murderous intents in their journals.
But even in the midst of all this, I enjoy it. I enjoy spending time with these attention hungry kids. I enjoy talking with them with their problems, about things that they are going through. These kids are definitely a handful when they go off their mood swings. But when teachers, deans, even my supervisor, couldn't get this student named Wilmer to talk, he trusted me. He was able to talk to me, and even though it was just a couple sentences, and he was definitely holding back, I knew he trusted me.
These kids need so much, and still we (as a society) tend to neglect these students who have so much potential. But they need more than education, they need love. And every time I set foot into the campus, I say a quick silent prayer, a prayer that goes something like this:
"dear Lord, give me the strength to show Your Love on this campus"
And it pushes me through, the long 6 hours zooms by and it feels like I've just been there for a little over an hour.
I just found out this last Tuesday that since the beginning of the school year, 10 teachers have left the school. 4 of those teachers came and left one particular class. 10 TEACHERS! WHAT. THE. FREAK. Nobody ever said teaching was going to be easy, and especially at this school. But how could they do that? When I heard that I was so saddened. I couldn't believe my ears... My dreams and aspirations to become a teacher grew even bigger, I want to touch the lives of kids like these, I want to show them that there are teachers who care...
There is so much to share about internship, but I'm going to give it a rest for a while. I'll share more in the weeks to come.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Wallpaper.
So my wallpaper changes every time it comes back from screensaver mode or when I open it up, and today when I came back to my computer I found this wallpaper peeking up from behind my adium and tweetdeck:
This was my favorite class teaching this last summer. Even though they weren't the smartest class, they were the most enthusiastic and most fun to teach. For some reason even though I have been thinking about China a lot because of this upcoming missions and all the TGA work I've been doing, when I saw this picture it hit me hard. China is coming really soon!
When I went to China this year, I promised Jeice ah-yee again that I would be back. With training and fundraising that's going to start real soon, I'm more excited than usual (for the fundraising and training). I can't wait to go back!
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Winter Break 2009/10
This winter break has been really packed and busy but with a lot of fun stuff!
The first week I went snowboarding 3 times (with a day of break in the middle)
The second week was TCHOC retreat then Christmas festivities with church
The third week was backpacking, New Year's festivities, and snowboarding
I was just reflecting upon these past three weeks, and even though I did have a lot of fun, God showed me a lot of things (which I will elaborate in future posts). Seeing how different I am now from the person I was before is pretty encouraging. The time spent in fellowship with brothers and sisters gave me the necessary "break from everything" that I so prayed for. Even though I was still in the midst of "everything," I had a good opportunity to relax and just put things aside (sort of) to bless and be blessed by people.
And with the last week of 2009, I was able to see how far I've come. There were so many times where I thought I wouldn't make it past certain situations, yet here I am now. God is good. And He is showing me a lot of things to look forward to for this 2010 year. (I'll share later!)
God, thank you for teaching me what it means to Love you with all of my heart. Teach me to be madly in love with you so that nothing else in this world matters. Thank you for giving me this "break from everything" and for the brothers and sisters you've placed in my life. Amen.
The first week I went snowboarding 3 times (with a day of break in the middle)
The second week was TCHOC retreat then Christmas festivities with church
The third week was backpacking, New Year's festivities, and snowboarding
I was just reflecting upon these past three weeks, and even though I did have a lot of fun, God showed me a lot of things (which I will elaborate in future posts). Seeing how different I am now from the person I was before is pretty encouraging. The time spent in fellowship with brothers and sisters gave me the necessary "break from everything" that I so prayed for. Even though I was still in the midst of "everything," I had a good opportunity to relax and just put things aside (sort of) to bless and be blessed by people.
And with the last week of 2009, I was able to see how far I've come. There were so many times where I thought I wouldn't make it past certain situations, yet here I am now. God is good. And He is showing me a lot of things to look forward to for this 2010 year. (I'll share later!)
God, thank you for teaching me what it means to Love you with all of my heart. Teach me to be madly in love with you so that nothing else in this world matters. Thank you for giving me this "break from everything" and for the brothers and sisters you've placed in my life. Amen.
Friday, January 1, 2010
2010
New Year's resolution #1: Sleep in comfy warm bed to start off a great year. *check*
I'll post up some resolutions and some stuff about 2009 soon. Maybe tomorrow. but for now, goodnight sweet world, glad to finally be in a nice bed.
I'll post up some resolutions and some stuff about 2009 soon. Maybe tomorrow. but for now, goodnight sweet world, glad to finally be in a nice bed.
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