I want a girl thats mission minded.
Someone who has a heart for the lost. Someone who is down to get out of her comfort zone. Someone who is willing to go when she's called.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Letter to a friend.
(Sorry if this post sounds emo or whatevs, I'm just venting about a small frustration in my life at the moment)
Even in these times when I am not in the mood for building relationships, I have really tried to get to know you better. Unfortunately, as much as I've tried and even put myself out there, I've only made myself feel like an idiot. Given that you are busy and what not, I just get this feeling that you don't care about our relationship as friends, so I'm going to stop initiating. Expecting that things have changed throughout these past years, I really thought we could have been close friends. No, (anybody thats reading this) I don't have feelings for this person. It's not that I don't care about you anymore, it's just that I don't want to make the effort. And the ironic thing is that all this time you had me fooled into thinking that you actually cared.
Crazy and desperate as this post might sound, I'm only posting it here cause theres a 99% chance you won't read this. Hopefully one day we'll be able to have an honest conversation with each other and get to know each other better. Until then, I'm just going to chill with friends that legitly seem to care about me as a friend. Needless to say, I'm pretty frustrated at how things are at the moment, but I'll live. God has definitely given me a lot of peace about this situation so hopefully I'll see you around.
Even in these times when I am not in the mood for building relationships, I have really tried to get to know you better. Unfortunately, as much as I've tried and even put myself out there, I've only made myself feel like an idiot. Given that you are busy and what not, I just get this feeling that you don't care about our relationship as friends, so I'm going to stop initiating. Expecting that things have changed throughout these past years, I really thought we could have been close friends. No, (anybody thats reading this) I don't have feelings for this person. It's not that I don't care about you anymore, it's just that I don't want to make the effort. And the ironic thing is that all this time you had me fooled into thinking that you actually cared.
Crazy and desperate as this post might sound, I'm only posting it here cause theres a 99% chance you won't read this. Hopefully one day we'll be able to have an honest conversation with each other and get to know each other better. Until then, I'm just going to chill with friends that legitly seem to care about me as a friend. Needless to say, I'm pretty frustrated at how things are at the moment, but I'll live. God has definitely given me a lot of peace about this situation so hopefully I'll see you around.
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Self-Sufficient.
Tonight I went to a David Crowder praise night.
God definitely spoke to me today as I stood there and sang the lyrics of each of the songs that were played. And although most of these songs were songs I've been singing since I saw him live at Fresh 2005, the lyrics continued to hit me hard. I was getting it left and right, and God was smacking a whole lot of sense into me. As I continued to worship, I started to feel like I've felt the feeling before. It felt like the praise nights of HoC of old. The times where we would sing all out, dance all out, shout all out, and the Spirit of the Lord would be there. The times where I would feel rejuvenated after a long month of serving. The times where I could kneel on the floor, cry on the floor, and pray until I had nothing left to pray. As I drove back to San Diego, I questioned myself, "what happened?"
The problem, I concluded, came from myself. After graduating High School, after being in "leadership" for so many years, I became self-sufficient. Or so I thought. The fuel that I ran on continued to drain and drain, and even my desperate attempts of refilling myself would give me at most 1 weeks worth of spiritual energy. I tricked myself into thinking that I was self-sufficient. I had deceived myself, and all the while I was melting away from the inside out.
I got sense knocked into me today. It's time to cut the foolishness. No more messing around.
thank you Lord.
God definitely spoke to me today as I stood there and sang the lyrics of each of the songs that were played. And although most of these songs were songs I've been singing since I saw him live at Fresh 2005, the lyrics continued to hit me hard. I was getting it left and right, and God was smacking a whole lot of sense into me. As I continued to worship, I started to feel like I've felt the feeling before. It felt like the praise nights of HoC of old. The times where we would sing all out, dance all out, shout all out, and the Spirit of the Lord would be there. The times where I would feel rejuvenated after a long month of serving. The times where I could kneel on the floor, cry on the floor, and pray until I had nothing left to pray. As I drove back to San Diego, I questioned myself, "what happened?"
The problem, I concluded, came from myself. After graduating High School, after being in "leadership" for so many years, I became self-sufficient. Or so I thought. The fuel that I ran on continued to drain and drain, and even my desperate attempts of refilling myself would give me at most 1 weeks worth of spiritual energy. I tricked myself into thinking that I was self-sufficient. I had deceived myself, and all the while I was melting away from the inside out.
I got sense knocked into me today. It's time to cut the foolishness. No more messing around.
thank you Lord.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
The Interview.
After a week of contemplating whether or not I should blog about this, and I've decided why not.
Exactly 1 week ago I had an interview that I was nervous as heck to go to. I've had a couple interviews for several jobs for past jobs that were easy peasey lemon squeezy, but this one was legit. I had a phone interview that caught me by surprise one morning right when I woke up, and then an e-mail with things that I should know before the interview. I spent a couple hours looking at their website, memorized the mission statement of the organization, and knew everything that I needed to know for the interview. I woke up spot on time, had all of my documents ready, and everything seemed to be going good... until I hit a bit of traffic, I got there 10 minutes late, and was praying that I would have a lenient interviewer... turns out, she was late too. So as I sat in the office waiting, I went over possible questions: Why do you want this job? What makes you qualified? Tell me about your past experiences., the list goes on and on. After filling out paperwork, the interview process began, and surprisingly, the nervousness melted away.
Question after question, she would ask them, and I would have an answer ready for her. Eye contact, check. sitting straight, check. Confidence, check. It went so smoothly, I nailed each question with ease. Until she got to one question... "What are your weaknesses?" I was stuck. I drew a blank. I stuttered and asked for a second to think... I had placed myself up there, with past experiences, building on my strengths, that no matter what I said it would conflict with something that I had built up as a strength. I didn't know what to say, so I just said that I have a tendency to be shy when I first meet people... yeah. total BS. After that question, I picked it up again and started to nail down each question again. And praise the Lord I got the job.
But despite my overwhelming happiness of getting the job on the spot, that moment stuck with me. Am I so prideful that I cannot even name a weakness of mine?
Good God, please break this prideful heart. Take me to that secret place. Bring me to my knees, and captivate my heart.
Exactly 1 week ago I had an interview that I was nervous as heck to go to. I've had a couple interviews for several jobs for past jobs that were easy peasey lemon squeezy, but this one was legit. I had a phone interview that caught me by surprise one morning right when I woke up, and then an e-mail with things that I should know before the interview. I spent a couple hours looking at their website, memorized the mission statement of the organization, and knew everything that I needed to know for the interview. I woke up spot on time, had all of my documents ready, and everything seemed to be going good... until I hit a bit of traffic, I got there 10 minutes late, and was praying that I would have a lenient interviewer... turns out, she was late too. So as I sat in the office waiting, I went over possible questions: Why do you want this job? What makes you qualified? Tell me about your past experiences., the list goes on and on. After filling out paperwork, the interview process began, and surprisingly, the nervousness melted away.
Question after question, she would ask them, and I would have an answer ready for her. Eye contact, check. sitting straight, check. Confidence, check. It went so smoothly, I nailed each question with ease. Until she got to one question... "What are your weaknesses?" I was stuck. I drew a blank. I stuttered and asked for a second to think... I had placed myself up there, with past experiences, building on my strengths, that no matter what I said it would conflict with something that I had built up as a strength. I didn't know what to say, so I just said that I have a tendency to be shy when I first meet people... yeah. total BS. After that question, I picked it up again and started to nail down each question again. And praise the Lord I got the job.
But despite my overwhelming happiness of getting the job on the spot, that moment stuck with me. Am I so prideful that I cannot even name a weakness of mine?
Good God, please break this prideful heart. Take me to that secret place. Bring me to my knees, and captivate my heart.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Somewhere where I belong...
So many times things don't feel right. I don't feel like I'm in the right place. I don't feel like I'm in the right school, I don't feel like I'm in the right class, I don't feel like I'm in the right ministries, I don't feel like I'm in the right house, I don't feel like I have the friends that I really desire, I don't feel like I know what I want, I don't feel like anything is right.
And the ironic thing is that I don't have the right to say any of this... despite all of these feelings, I have been sloppy with my daily devotions, sometimes seemingly nonexistent, but sometimes spending hours just worshipping. More often the former rather than the latter, I once again become that man that looks in the mirror and remembers how much God has blessed me beyond anything what I deserve.
And I'm at this point in my life where I don't hear God's voice, not because it isn't there but because I'm not actively pursuing Him or even giving Him the time of day to listen. I catch myself deciding between watching House on my recorded DVR and doing my devotions.
Things must change.
"So I await the words that you say."
And the ironic thing is that I don't have the right to say any of this... despite all of these feelings, I have been sloppy with my daily devotions, sometimes seemingly nonexistent, but sometimes spending hours just worshipping. More often the former rather than the latter, I once again become that man that looks in the mirror and remembers how much God has blessed me beyond anything what I deserve.
And I'm at this point in my life where I don't hear God's voice, not because it isn't there but because I'm not actively pursuing Him or even giving Him the time of day to listen. I catch myself deciding between watching House on my recorded DVR and doing my devotions.
Things must change.
"So I await the words that you say."
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