I miss reading books that matter, and I'm determined to get back into the good habit. Although I'm pretty sure I'm shouldering more than I can handle, here's my reading list for this December:
the Word (currently on Revelations and Ecclesiastes for CBR)
The Dawning of Indestructible Joy by John Piper (Advent devotions, courtesy of a good sister and fellow youth servant).
A Vision for Missions, as I examine my heart and develop my philosophy on missions.
The Valley of Vision (a book of Puritan Prayers that has been of immense encouragement)
Finding a Way to Win (by Bill Parcells), as I look to build upon leadership and success in the things that I do, and the way I live.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Thursday, November 13, 2014
Fool me once
Every person makes mistakes, and in the immediate aftermath regrets their decision. But after a while, as the whole picture unravels learns that because of that mistake they've become who they are now and that they would not change.
Now it is a little silly to think that I can predict an outcome of anything, but in this moment there is so much that reminds me of the mistake that I once made. And it's now that I think I've made my decision to not walk down that path again. It's unfortunate cause I think that there is so much potential, and while my heart says yes, my mind says no.
And now, in this very place that I am in at my life, I'm going to have to listen to my mind. There are so many what ifs but I really can't think about those right now. I'm thankful and still hopeful, but I'm also tired.
Lord, give me wisdom and discernment. Amen.
Now it is a little silly to think that I can predict an outcome of anything, but in this moment there is so much that reminds me of the mistake that I once made. And it's now that I think I've made my decision to not walk down that path again. It's unfortunate cause I think that there is so much potential, and while my heart says yes, my mind says no.
And now, in this very place that I am in at my life, I'm going to have to listen to my mind. There are so many what ifs but I really can't think about those right now. I'm thankful and still hopeful, but I'm also tired.
Lord, give me wisdom and discernment. Amen.
Friday, November 7, 2014
winners and losers
Today the IM team that I play in lost in the first round of playoffs. It wasn't the first time that we lost but it was the first time we lost by the mercy rule. I made some big mistakes and for once in a long while I found myself getting heated. I always hate losing, but something about this time that turned on that old self that I hate so much.
On my drive home, I called my mom and told her about my frustrations and what I was feeling. I didn't expect much, since my mothers a small woman that wasn't athletic at all. What she said to me was probably the best advice ever.
"It's just a game, and in the game there are winners and losers. Of course losing feels bad, but do you think anybody plays to lose? Even the best don't win all the time, Michael Jordan didn't win all the time, and when he lost I don't think he sat there being angry, he got better. Don't be angry, get better."
What I got from it is "Don't let losing discourage you, let it make you work harder." I hate losing, anyone that really knows me knows that, but one thing I've been learning to tattoo into my heart and my attitude: "to bear the cross is to wear the crown"
On my drive home, I called my mom and told her about my frustrations and what I was feeling. I didn't expect much, since my mothers a small woman that wasn't athletic at all. What she said to me was probably the best advice ever.
"It's just a game, and in the game there are winners and losers. Of course losing feels bad, but do you think anybody plays to lose? Even the best don't win all the time, Michael Jordan didn't win all the time, and when he lost I don't think he sat there being angry, he got better. Don't be angry, get better."
What I got from it is "Don't let losing discourage you, let it make you work harder." I hate losing, anyone that really knows me knows that, but one thing I've been learning to tattoo into my heart and my attitude: "to bear the cross is to wear the crown"
Saturday, June 28, 2014
Oxford, England
I just arrived at Oxford, and I must say that it is really nice to be here. As we got settled into our dorms, and went through a quick orientation of how our weeks stay would look like, I started to get really excited.
Taking a break from the last semester and struggling to pass the CSETs really hit me pretty hard. Probably the roughest time that I've had, the past 6 months were. But looking at all my classmates and even just being able to be here really has given me a rejuvenated spirit.
I'm excited!! Thank you for all your support and prayers!
Taking a break from the last semester and struggling to pass the CSETs really hit me pretty hard. Probably the roughest time that I've had, the past 6 months were. But looking at all my classmates and even just being able to be here really has given me a rejuvenated spirit.
I'm excited!! Thank you for all your support and prayers!
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Europe
I'm on my last leg of the Europe trip, and God has truly shown me many things and grown me. I'm super thankful for Redeemer's CBR and the way it has kept be grounded and focused on the things that really matter.
We, as christians, must not be dependent on any one thing or person, because when we place our trust in these lofty ideas and ever failing people, our idea of God becomes skewed. But when we place our trust in Him and allow his joy to become our strength, thats when we have truly straightened out our priorities.
We, as christians, must not be dependent on any one thing or person, because when we place our trust in these lofty ideas and ever failing people, our idea of God becomes skewed. But when we place our trust in Him and allow his joy to become our strength, thats when we have truly straightened out our priorities.
Thursday, June 5, 2014
church family
Today I randomly started to think how much I miss, and will miss Redeemer during my trip.
The day I left California for the east coast I stopped by staff meeting to say my farewells. After sharing about my trip, what I was going to be doing, and where I was going, Hunter prayed me. Then they prayed for me, the men of our staff all came to give me hugs, I seriously am so blessed to be in the presence of these people.
I never saw this entire trip as a mission trip, but the more I look at it, and the more I talk to others about it, I found that the way I act and behave through this trip can serve as a testament to the faith that I profess.
I'm actually really nervous that I'm going to be leaving the U.S. in two days. I'm nervous and actually a little scared. I know that God is with me and that I really need to trust Him. I wonder why it is so hard to trust even though He's carried me through so much.
The day I left California for the east coast I stopped by staff meeting to say my farewells. After sharing about my trip, what I was going to be doing, and where I was going, Hunter prayed me. Then they prayed for me, the men of our staff all came to give me hugs, I seriously am so blessed to be in the presence of these people.
I never saw this entire trip as a mission trip, but the more I look at it, and the more I talk to others about it, I found that the way I act and behave through this trip can serve as a testament to the faith that I profess.
I'm actually really nervous that I'm going to be leaving the U.S. in two days. I'm nervous and actually a little scared. I know that God is with me and that I really need to trust Him. I wonder why it is so hard to trust even though He's carried me through so much.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
My Grace is Sufficient
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong"
The past few months have been an uphill battle. This feeling seems like it'll never end and although there are times where it's out of mind, the next corner that I turn into just opens the doors again. Remembering that Gods plan is bigger than mine and that during this time His grace is sufficient.
I hate the idea of being weak, but if there's one thing that I've been learning is that I am extremely weak. I am more weak than I care to show, and more weak than I'd care to admit.
God thank you for showing me that I need to rely on you once again. Thank you for showing me that through my weakness, you are the only one that can make me strong.
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Genuine Love
11 days til I head out for the first leg of my trip. And as each day passes I get a little bit more anxious. Uncertain of the future and what God will bring into my life, I've been trying hard to cling onto His word. Redeemer City Bible Reading has kept me quite accountable, and as I dig deeper into each chapter, I'm really finding myself quite humbled.
It's funny how words can have different meanings depending on the situation that you read it from. Trying to understand what Genuine Love means is actually pretty tough because I always thought that love was love. No big deal right? Wrong... I couldn't have been more wrong.
Genuine love is understanding that what is best may not be what I think is the best. It's understanding that it ain't daisies and roses, but that there's sacrifice and pain in all of that. It's realizing that in all things God's faithfulness is what will carry things to where they need to be.
So humbled.
It's funny how words can have different meanings depending on the situation that you read it from. Trying to understand what Genuine Love means is actually pretty tough because I always thought that love was love. No big deal right? Wrong... I couldn't have been more wrong.
Genuine love is understanding that what is best may not be what I think is the best. It's understanding that it ain't daisies and roses, but that there's sacrifice and pain in all of that. It's realizing that in all things God's faithfulness is what will carry things to where they need to be.
So humbled.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Passion Week
What I learned this week gave me a renewed perspective on life and the things that I'm struggling through. I have found that uncertainty scares me, if I was brutally honest with myself, the reason I am scared is because of my lack of trust in God. It sucks to think that despite everything that He has taken me through, that this minor speed bump has started to make my wheels fall off.
"God, I know that you are stronger. I know that you are in charge, but I don't know why it is so hard for me to trust you. Shape my heart, and remind me that it isn't about me, it isn't about what I can do or what I want to do."
Sidenote: I am so thankful that I get to serve at a church that strives for excellence and strives to share the gospel. From Palm Sunday to Good Friday to Eggstravaganza to Easter Service, Redeemer really took things to new heights. All of the effort that was put in really made a difference, and seeing how the church tries to make a difference in the community as well as in the congregation makes me happy.
Wednesday, March 26, 2014
Fairness
Growing up in America being fair is always and issue that needs to be addressed in every situation. Using fairness to get the same allowance as my brother, and even getting paid a fair amount for the work that you put into something is so evident in our society. This fairness is so engrained into our mentality that we equate fairness to being equal.
Our idea of fairness is shortsighted, and focused on our present or the immediate future. Romans 9 challenges this idea by saying God's will is fair, and that only His view of eternity will truly know what is fair.
"So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills"
I wrestled with this for the longest time. For the most of my childhood I was constantly praying and hoping for God to show mercy and bring salvation to my dad. After reading this verse, I slowly gave up the idea that prayer would work because God chose to "harden whomever he wills." I remember thinking that it wasn't fair, God wasn't fair to just use us like little toys. I thought that I deserved better for serving him living my life for him. But... that's not true, I don't deserve anything.
The chapter before says "for those who love God all things work together for good." And I always thought that if I showed God that I loved Him that I would get what I wanted, but this misperception that my idea of good is not the same as his idea of good. And in the same way as fairness, my idea of good is so me-minded present-minded, but God's goodness is eternity-minded and used to glorify Him.
There is hope in remembering that it isn't about me but Him.
Soli Deo Gloria.
Our idea of fairness is shortsighted, and focused on our present or the immediate future. Romans 9 challenges this idea by saying God's will is fair, and that only His view of eternity will truly know what is fair.
"So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills"
I wrestled with this for the longest time. For the most of my childhood I was constantly praying and hoping for God to show mercy and bring salvation to my dad. After reading this verse, I slowly gave up the idea that prayer would work because God chose to "harden whomever he wills." I remember thinking that it wasn't fair, God wasn't fair to just use us like little toys. I thought that I deserved better for serving him living my life for him. But... that's not true, I don't deserve anything.
The chapter before says "for those who love God all things work together for good." And I always thought that if I showed God that I loved Him that I would get what I wanted, but this misperception that my idea of good is not the same as his idea of good. And in the same way as fairness, my idea of good is so me-minded present-minded, but God's goodness is eternity-minded and used to glorify Him.
There is hope in remembering that it isn't about me but Him.
Soli Deo Gloria.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Misplaced Love
"There can only be two basic loves... the love of God unto the forgetfulness of self, or the love of self unto the forgetfulness and denial of God"
St. Augustine
The past two months have been quite the humbling experience. For the most part I thought that there wasn't anything wrong in the way I approached the past two years, but I've learned I did it all wrong. Not necessarily in action but in my mindset and selfishness. The issue with our misplaced loves is that we either love the wrong things, or we love the right things in the wrong way.
By pursuing our personal happiness we create idols in our lives. Some of these idols are even things that could be good for us, but because we don't prioritize God first these blessings turn into curses.
Maybe thats what it means to die is gain, because we have to give up ourself so that we can love God more.
"For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain"
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Delight
Jesus, I delight in you and your plans for me.
I may not understand what, why, or how but I know that you know what is best.
I trust in You alone and I commit to you the desires of my heart.
Only You can judge to see whether or not it is Your desire for me.
Fill up my cup of faith and hear my praises.
Because in this time, I realize that it is You that I need most.
"Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37
Monday, March 17, 2014
Terminal Illness
Last night while doing a bonfire, we ran into a drunk guy who was going through a rough time. Even though he rambled on forever, he kept going back to the idea that life is like a terminal illness.
It's interesting to see that two people in similar circumstances had two different situations. This is not to say that I'm in any way a better person, but rather last night gave me much needed perspective.
I'm fortunate to have a God that loves me regardless of my situation.
I'm fortunate to place my trust and hope and foundation in the Lord.
I am blessed to know that life is not simply a terminal illness where at the end of it, it is all done and worthless.
I am blessed to have community to point me to the cross when all I can think about is myself.
I am blessed to know that God is in control despite the circumstances and that we will never know what happens in the future.
It's interesting to see that two people in similar circumstances had two different situations. This is not to say that I'm in any way a better person, but rather last night gave me much needed perspective.
I'm fortunate to have a God that loves me regardless of my situation.
I'm fortunate to place my trust and hope and foundation in the Lord.
I am blessed to know that life is not simply a terminal illness where at the end of it, it is all done and worthless.
I am blessed to have community to point me to the cross when all I can think about is myself.
I am blessed to know that God is in control despite the circumstances and that we will never know what happens in the future.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Faith
"For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, "The righteous shall live by faith"
For me, accepting the Lord through faith was always something that was easy. Believing that there is a God that cares for me is natural because of the clear evidence in the ways that He has worked through my life and because of what He's done through the cross.
The difficult part for me is trusting Him and remembering that He knows best. For me I've always said "God you can have the steering wheel.. just follow my directions please." It is such a sinful, selfish, and me-centered way of approaching my walk with God.
This verse challenged me, that if I want to live by faith I need to let go and trust that He knows best. By doing this I realize that the best might not always be the easiest or pain free, but it possibly will be the road less traveled, the one where I have to walk through the storm and through the fire. But in those times looking towards the goal that God is molding me into who He wants me to be.
It's very humbling thinking that who God wants me to be might not necessarily be the way that I envision myself to be.
Our current generation tells us to pursue OUR dreams and OUR passions, but as Christians we're called to a different standard to pursue His desires and His passions.
God I surrender my desires and passions. Give me hope for not my plans but yours. I'm not ready to let go, but I know that in order for me to see what you have in store for me I need to. Give me strength and peace to overcome, because my will alone can't do it.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Love, vast as the ocean
One year ago today I took my first set of CSETs. I seriously was so ready... two sets of breakfast, two coffees, enough sleep... and I got wrecked.
Today, hopefully with two hours of sleep, some finals-ish like cramming, and leftover cold pizza, I think I passed!
After that I went to Gliderport. In the 6 years I've been in San Diego, this was the first time I've ever been there! It was seriously such a nice day and it made me want to just jump in the water and forget about life and everything.
Then this song came to me...
"Here is Love, vast as the ocean
Lovingkindness as the flood
When thePrince of Life, our Ransom
Shed for us His precious blood"
How blessed am I? How lucky am I to have so much despite not deserving anything at all. I complain about the smallest things, about trivial matters in the scope of eternity. Sure things suck, and of course I often find myself lost in the circumstances. But to find joy and peace through His Love, that is... ultimate.
Wednesday, March 5, 2014
To be known and loved
"To be loved but not known is superficial. To be known and not loved is our great fear - but to be known and loved, that transforms you.” -Tim Keller "Meaning of Marriage"
For God to know us, all of our flaws and failures, and yet to still love us gives me a hope that I can hold on to. For God to know that time and time again we will fail him, and to still love us is... incomprehensible.
Jesus, teach me to love the way that you do. Teach me to love regardless of the situation, regardless of my thoughts and my actions, and regardless of my sinfulness and rebellion. May you be glorified in the way that I love, and may I follow the path that you have made for me. Take away the fear from my heart, and replace it with Joy, Hope, Love, and Peace.
For God to know us, all of our flaws and failures, and yet to still love us gives me a hope that I can hold on to. For God to know that time and time again we will fail him, and to still love us is... incomprehensible.
Jesus, teach me to love the way that you do. Teach me to love regardless of the situation, regardless of my thoughts and my actions, and regardless of my sinfulness and rebellion. May you be glorified in the way that I love, and may I follow the path that you have made for me. Take away the fear from my heart, and replace it with Joy, Hope, Love, and Peace.
Monday, March 3, 2014
Sunny Diego
One thing I'm blessed with here in SD is the best weather anyone could ever ask for. The perfect temperature with the perfect humidity and the perfect breeze makes me just want to lay on the beach all day every day. So when the hard rain comes, like it did this past week, it sucks.
Likewise, I've been so blessed my entire life, I'd say for the most part it's been sunny skies. So when things get rough it seems like I'm in the dark for.. forever. But today when I woke up, and I saw the sun shining down again, it reminded me of God's promise to carry me through.
No matter how long it's been raining, the sun will rise again. In fact, the sun has never left, it's been there the whole time.
Despite all the things going on in this rainy season, I know that soon enough, God will take me to a place where I can be completely satisfied in Him again. It really isn't about me or what I can do. It isn't about my plans for my future, but His. Remembering this has challenged me so much...
Likewise, I've been so blessed my entire life, I'd say for the most part it's been sunny skies. So when things get rough it seems like I'm in the dark for.. forever. But today when I woke up, and I saw the sun shining down again, it reminded me of God's promise to carry me through.
No matter how long it's been raining, the sun will rise again. In fact, the sun has never left, it's been there the whole time.
Despite all the things going on in this rainy season, I know that soon enough, God will take me to a place where I can be completely satisfied in Him again. It really isn't about me or what I can do. It isn't about my plans for my future, but His. Remembering this has challenged me so much...
Thursday, February 27, 2014
37 Days
It's kind of interesting thinking how far I've come in just a little over a month. At the beginning of all this was a time where I was just thinking about myself, how much things kinda suck during this point of life, and I really just felt.. lost.
Happiness is truly circumstantial, I really am beginning to understand that. The wave of emotions after emotions is so roller coaster ride-like that I'm starting to become slightly numb to all of that. Joy on the other hand is something I've been grasping that in all things and through all things we can rejoice because God has saved us.
The Support of my brothers and sisters has been amazing. I definitely do not deserve all of the people that are around me. People have driven to San Diego to hang out with me, taking me to golf, taking me out to eat.. the list is endless. I do not deserve this at all... I thought that I had to wrestle with this alone, but the community that I have shows me that I was clearly wrong.
Passions die but can be resparked. I've been wrestling with whether or not I still want to be a teacher. Today when I went to sub, I had one of the students who i coached last year ask me what I want to do, and just talked to me about my dreams for teaching. I realized through this short conversation that I was struggling with my identity, but my passions were real. At one point or another these thoughts cause you to wonder if you'll ever be at a point where you can constantly be passionate about the things you love.. I guess only God knows.
The only thing that I can do right now is to honor my commitment. This commitment is to love those around me, to become a joyful supporter of my brothers and sisters.
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things"
Happiness is truly circumstantial, I really am beginning to understand that. The wave of emotions after emotions is so roller coaster ride-like that I'm starting to become slightly numb to all of that. Joy on the other hand is something I've been grasping that in all things and through all things we can rejoice because God has saved us.
The Support of my brothers and sisters has been amazing. I definitely do not deserve all of the people that are around me. People have driven to San Diego to hang out with me, taking me to golf, taking me out to eat.. the list is endless. I do not deserve this at all... I thought that I had to wrestle with this alone, but the community that I have shows me that I was clearly wrong.
Passions die but can be resparked. I've been wrestling with whether or not I still want to be a teacher. Today when I went to sub, I had one of the students who i coached last year ask me what I want to do, and just talked to me about my dreams for teaching. I realized through this short conversation that I was struggling with my identity, but my passions were real. At one point or another these thoughts cause you to wonder if you'll ever be at a point where you can constantly be passionate about the things you love.. I guess only God knows.
The only thing that I can do right now is to honor my commitment. This commitment is to love those around me, to become a joyful supporter of my brothers and sisters.
"Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things"
Monday, February 3, 2014
God's Providence (tears of joy)
I have never believed in luck or coincidence. Things always turn out perfect just the way they are because God has planned it that way, and today I saw Him moving in the most flawless way ever.
Let me frame the story by saying that last Wednesday I had the opportunity to go to Disneyland with an awesome brother/worship leader/friend named Alex. In the midst of him just getting married and coming back from his honeymoon he took time to just hang out with me (Thanks Lauren!)
During our trip he advised me to read The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller (everyone needs to read this). I started reading it and I couldn't put it down, there is so much truth and wisdom in the book.
Saturday I went to Lone Flag's trunk show and got invited me to a Bible Study/Book study.
Flash forward to today, when I walked into Lone Flag there was a Meaning of Marriage book on the table. I found that they were reading the same chapter that I was reading! I was able to be encouraged by brothers from all ages (21-35) and from all different walks (single to married) and from various different churches.
Realizing that each event from going to Disneyland to the Trunk show to coming to the Bible Study all lead me to understand that God's timing is impeccable.
Let me frame the story by saying that last Wednesday I had the opportunity to go to Disneyland with an awesome brother/worship leader/friend named Alex. In the midst of him just getting married and coming back from his honeymoon he took time to just hang out with me (Thanks Lauren!)
During our trip he advised me to read The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller (everyone needs to read this). I started reading it and I couldn't put it down, there is so much truth and wisdom in the book.
Saturday I went to Lone Flag's trunk show and got invited me to a Bible Study/Book study.
Realizing that each event from going to Disneyland to the Trunk show to coming to the Bible Study all lead me to understand that God's timing is impeccable.
There is no such thing as coincidence, there is only God.
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