Hakuna Matata

...if only it could be true.

Frankly, I'm too frustrated to write, too tired to think, and not ready to share. Shortest post I've written, but I guess that what best describes my mood: speechless.

Impact.

a late night ramble dedicated to my lovelies. (yes you steven! and you grace! and any one else from impact who reads this blog)

Well today was fairly interesting, I missed eating at Maxim, got locked outside of Lawrence's house cause I tried to scare them. Started off with a lovely concert by people, and being able to just chill/joke/play with people that I haven't seen in a long time. A group that I hold dear to my heart, and that I miss with all of my heart. Played ninja, and got a little scary story in...haha.

But the best part had yet to come, talking about ministries, how we are doing, and being REAL, followed the next hour or so. And as we spent time just sharing, and pouring out into each other, I felt the Spirit moving. Moving in the air that we breathed, and the words that we spoke. In the words of miss flying piggies: i like them/its hard to find people like that. I realize that I'm so blessed to have a group of brothers and sisters, who are so legit in their walk, and who I can confide and trust in, that are so near me.

To those from Impact reading this, this meeting will not have been the last! We will do it again, hopefully more than once before I leave!

One word to describe Impact: RAW.

Captivated once again.

For since the creation of the world God's invisible qualitie

s—his eternal power and divine nature—have been clearly seen, being understood from what has been made, so that men are without excuse. Romans 1:20

The one thing I do miss about Boy Scouts are the camping trips. To be surrounded by God's creation, to smell the pure thin air, to see the most ugliest bugs roaming around the campsite, to see the pure blue skies and feel the crisp wind blowing against the tents, but most of all to be away from the hustle and bustle of the "real life."

Whenever I am engulfed in nature, things seem so right. Whether it be surfing and watching the horizon, camping and the burning sun, or snowboarding with fake snow. This senior retreat reminded me of how much I miss all of it.

During the last day's devotional time, I lent my Bible to someone, and I just walked to the middle of the field. Watching people praying and reading the Word, not even being able to hear a single voice, made me want to stay there forever. I sat down and looked to the skies, the trees, creation held my gaze. I really wish that I could stay there forever, but this made me want to learn to desire to see God in this way even back "in the valley."

"If I had wings I would fly, cause all that I need You are"

Beyond measure...

Exhausted beyond measure, yet I still find time to blog. This publicized journal type thing is getting pretty addicting, but I find so much peace just putting down all my thoughts.

So senior retreat was absolutely amazing. The words spoken, the adventures embarked on, and the (hopefully) seniors blessed. Though the sleeping aspect (for myself) could have been much better, the retreat was awesome. These last 2.5 days went by so quickly that I can hardly believe I'm back. Back to reality might be a better name for this post. It was so good pursuing God without any of the worries which so burden me back at home. To be able to not have any of the distractions at the mountains makes me want to stay there forever. To live out a story like that of "Into the Wild" is but a dream for me which I can only try to imagine.

Just my two cents for today...

Overload.

Dear God,

Give me the strength I need to continue through this week. It's so hectic and I really have no clue as to when I'll crash...I'm so tired and I feel so exhausted, I know You have plans to prosper me, and that Your will is great above all, but this is a lot. Too many things going on at once, I can't even enjoy fun as much anymore, what is going on?

Lord, hear my plea of surrender, hear my cries from emptiness. I need You to pull me through...I need You to breathe in me new life. I need You...

YY

When the going gets tough...

...the tough get going.

Something we've all heard at one point in our lives. Something that seems true in a society filled with people who don't know when to quit. A "suck it up or you're a pansy" quote that is used to keep you going.

And as much as I'm making this quote sound bad, I believe the main gist of this quote. I believe that we will go through hard times, and even more so that we should not quit, we should let the "tough" move on (or get going) from our lives.

Things ain't ever going to get easier, just take a look at the world around you. The economy is failing, the dollar, the nation, and education that our parents sought after is turning near worthless, families are breaking up because of marital unfaithfulness, friendships slowly being over dominated by the diminishing value of friends, the land scarred by the continuous natural disasters, and everything else for that matter...is failing. And if we hope and pray that God would make our lives better, read the Word and wake up. We're called to suffer for the Lord, by being a Christian and living in these perilous times, things (overall) aren't going to get easy. (excuse the semi out of contextness)

Things are so frustrating, it's 1:30 a.m. and I'm supposed to be sleeping but I sit in front of my computer SO frustrated...But because I need to sleep. I'll leave the Christian with an even better quote than what was given in the beginning.

"⁸We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body." (2 Corinthians 4:8-10)

Resting.

another late night ramble at 4 a.m. in Riverside.

Running off of little sleep is dangerous, and my body feels so weak. Long day, but a good day nonetheless.

First college graduation that I've attended, and I was able to hang out with a lot of people that never cease to make my day. Mostly old school OIC people :) Sat next to momma Fish and Jane during the graduation and had a lot of fun. Just even being in the presence of these sisters, I am always encouraged. (If you're reading this Felicia, Jane, Karen, then yes! You all are always encouraging!)

And in the middle of all the chaos in my life, I'm able to just forget it all in the moment and just be a kid carefree of the worries of the daily life, and just play with my sisters.

This summer is going to be jam packed with action, but also filled with battles. Battles that will flood through the veins that run in my body and flood through my mind. God is with me to the very end, and especially recently He's been so evident through the several close relationships that I have.

"And surely I am with you always, to the very end of the age." -Jesus

Done.

It's 5:30 a.m. and I'm currently in Riverside. I have just finished the last paper, my last final of my first year. I'm running on 4 hours worth of sleep in the past 48-50 hours. I'm so tired, but prolonging my time awake because the floor here in Riverside is packed with 6 heads in the living room.

I guess I'm a little proud of myself, 2100 word paper in 2 hours, only by reading 1/4 of the book and skimming over the rest of the book in a period of 3 hours.

I'll definitely update some things about my first year in college soon. Very soon.

For now this will suffice, this year has been a blessing, an honor, and a wild adventure.

Thank You God.

Goodnight world.

Mid-Finals week.

It's 4 a.m. WHAT THE FREAK AM I DOING? I'm not tired at all. I know my sleeping schedule is so jacked up...but I didn't know it was THIS jacked up. That's not the only thing that is jacked up though...my brain is so jacked up...I have no idea what I'm doing. I read 3 pages of the book that I need to write a paper on in 2 HOURS.

I started staring into space and just thinking about things. Some random things, and some not so random things. Coming back to my senses I realized that I have no clue what I am doing, I know that in the morning this will all have been a blur. A huge blur that I call finals week.

I guess just to ramble a bit...Things have been changing lately, the way I think, the way I act, the way I see things, and most of all the the way I pursue things. I can't say whether it is for the better or for the worse, I can't even say that they are major changes but rather changes that are in the slightest, most unnoticeable form. If I had not examined myself, I probably would not have noticed it.

A sister recently greatly encouraged me with this verse:  

Isaiah 45:3 reads "I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the Lord, who call you by your name, am the God of Israel."

oh the beauty of being a child of God. And as I am being taken through these trials, I find so much encouragement through the Word. And in these times I need to be strong

And I am reminded of my UC essay:

My dad taught me that power and respect is all that I need to be successful. Even though love never factored into his equation for the “perfect life”, I loved my father with all of my heart, until I found out that he had left our family for another.  My heart was broken and my “Superman” image of him was shattered.  My father tried to make it up to my family, but my mother’s heart remained unforgiving. As a result, we moved from New York to California.

      In the absence of my father, I found a love that surpassed my father’s-the love of Jesus Christ.  This captivated me when I heard the story of the prodigal son. The son takes a share of his father’s money, spends it until there is nothing left, and lives with pigs. Knowing that there is nothing else he can do, nowhere else to go, the son runs back to his father, who happily welcomes his son home. Through this story, I saw the unfailing love of an unseen spiritual father who would never hurt me like my real father had.

      I had always respected my father because he was confident in himself. He knew his goals in life and he strove to accomplish them. My father is the one who taught and disciplined me.  I looked to him in times of trial, doubt, sorrow, and I boasted in him during times of success and triumph. He was the one I ran to when I had nowhere else to go.  When our relationship shattered, I realized the importance of a father figure in one’s life and resolved to help others who had been hurting the same way that I had.

      During my junior year, I took the opportunity to tutor an autistic sixth grader named Jonathan. The tutoring for his school work was easy, but my main focus, the difficult part, was developing his social skills. Since he had recently transferred to a new school, he had difficulty making friends. Refining his social skills was a long process, but the more time and effort I put into him, the more his social skills grew. The key was seeing beyond his autism, and seeing him as a friend. My inspiration, the driving force behind my actions was my desire to see his life be transformed. As our tutoring sessions came to an end, it was apparent that I had impacted and changed his life. He was slowly making more friends, and was able to listen and concentrate when being talked to. The ability to show my love and friendship towards him has inspired me to continue living a life with a vision for change.

      Although my father taught me that having power and respect equate to success, my experience with Jonathan showed that having power is nothing compared to having love. The limitless ends to a person motivated from pure love have kindled a newly found passion to serve those around me. I am a friend to the friendless and a role model for the lost. 

And in looking back to this I realize that being strong is good and all, but without Love, without desiring to pursue that Agape, I cannot achieve strength. If I hope to gain anything, it must be Love. If I hope to be strong, I must first learn to Love.

I know this is all going to be a blur in the morning, and this lnr is getting way too long. I must work. I must...

Finals week.

I'll dedicate another post on my first year. But for now, this post will be about this last week of my first year.

Finals week. The week where craziness happens. When I become a zombie and pull those all-nighters that I scoffed at in High School.

I'm tired... physically, mentally, and emotionally (praise the Lord not spiritually). I'm kind of just taking the hits of what life (or God) is throwing at me. Realizing that I can't do much for anyone, and even myself for that matter.

And in this state of tiredness, I've become so lazy. The two finals that I have to take in a few hours don't seem to matter, though I'm hoping that I'll do well.

Looking towards summer, I'm hoping that I can be reenergized, and ready to go, for the retreats, missions, New York, and then...oh dear another year of school.

Back to this finals week, no all nighters (at least for studying) for me. I need to figure out what's going on...with my academics, with my summer, with my life...

But back to the present..This is probably the last night I'll be sleeping in San Diego. It's time to go on a wild adventure, another one to add to my college finals adventure.

Fall Quarter: Went with Dave from Irvine, to Rside, to LA, to Irvine, with trips to and fro San Diego to take my finals.

Winter Quarter: All nighters galore! Back and forth from San Diego and Irvine, Delirious concert, back to San Diego, then back to Irvine.

Spring Quarter: Irvine to San Diego (presently here), to Irvine (thanks Dave and Danny), to Rside (thanks to Jackie), and then back to San Diego, then back to Rside?!??! who knows where.

Not having a car sucks. But even that ain't gonna stop me...hehe.

Dang it's too late. tooo late for a lnr. soo late that I hope I haven't written anything that I'll regret when I reread this tomorrow.

Conscious, Capable, Consistent, Concerned

First before I start my lnr I want to thank Jon Wood for the message given at In Dependence (Miles Militis Ignite), so that it has spurred me onto thinking about things I otherwise might not have not thought of.

These four C's are not just the mark of our Savior. These four C's are also the mark of the man-made in the image of the Creator. These are also characteristics of family, but more so in the point of our lives now, friends. The very friends that shape and define our lives, and the same friends that teach us lessons and (in a Christian's case) push us to Love God more. Since, that is what we are called to do right? "²⁴And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds. ²⁵Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching." (Hebrews 10:24-25) 

If we cannot do such a simple commandment, if we cannot encourage each other, if we cannot push each other towards Love and good deeds, then are we really doing what is right in the Lord's eyes?

Well anyway, my commentary about the four C's: 

Conscious- being conscious is all to easy, only a blind fool would be dumb (excuse the language) to not see someone being hurt. Assuming that the person reveals through actions that he/she is hurt (not putting up a front). 

Capable- capability lies in willingness to help, in peers it's easy to find someone willing to help. True that only Jesus can take away your sins and your fears, but in friendship, people that are willing to pray for you and talk to you are capable of holding your hand through a circumstance. Of course not replacing the fact that Jesus is the ultimate solution.

Consistent- consistency lies in the heart of true friendship. ANYBODY can say hi to you a couple times, and voila, you're friends on facebook. But a real friend is someone that constantly (consistently) checks up on you and is always there for you. A real friend becomes a priority rather than just another person on your "buddy" list.

last, but definitely not least...

Concerned- A real friend is everything above, and especially concerned. To be concerned can make or break a friendship. A "buddy" can ask how are you doing? and leave it at that somewhat awkward silence. But a true friend will ask what is going on, what can they do for you, and be with you whenever they can. A true friend will be conscious, is capable, is consistent, and always concerned.

This is why Jesus is the ultimate friend and the ultimate father. But as images of God, it is our duty to approach our fellow brothers and sisters with the same attitude. I am obviously guilty of not being able to do all of these all the time. And that is partially why I am writing this. If we can somehow grasp the true weight of friendship in our lives, I believe it is only then that we can realize how much greater of a friend God is to us. We can then grasp how much He is conscious, capable, consistent, and most of all concerned for us and our well-being.

"A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother"  -Proverbs 18:24 (NIV)

This is just a variation of the message that I got from God, this is not the exact message that was given, rather what I feel God was speaking to me.

Seizure

I have a dog. His name is Lucky. He is a cute small-medium sized dog that has way too much energy for his size.

About a year ago, at around 2 a.m. I heard a yelp, and my mom start yelling "YY! Come here!" As I rushed into my mom's room my dog was foaming at the mouth, urinating and defecating all over, and was had crazy muscle spasms. I couldn't sleep for the rest of that night. Nope, not after seeing my dog (who I had since it was born) go into a seizure like that.

And after a little bit over a year, he still goes into seizures regularly. For the past 3 weeks he hasn't had one, but in the last 2 days that I was home, he had 5. All of which I witnessed and had to clean up for.

I can't stand it. I can't stand watching my dog go into those seizures, and after a couple minutes of aimless wandering (not responding to anything), he would act normal, as if nothing happened. Earlier today my mom said if I couldn't figure out a way to fix this, she was going to give him away. And as she muttered the last of that sentence, I told her to shut up and I hung up.

The reason I'm up this late is because I'm trying to figure out how to "fix" this problem. As I was reading through websites, my eyes got stuck at a sentence "a veterinarian may advise euthanasia." Not that I would want it, not that I am going to let it happen, but my brother mentioned putting him to sleep too...

But no, I won't let it happen. I feel so helpless now, and even though there are SO many other problems that I need to deal with, I really need to solve this. After all, he is my dog...

Even Superwoman can die.

I forgot what I was talking to my mom about. All I remember were the words, "YY, pray for me, I got my blood results back and they said it was not normal..." I couldn't believe what I was seeing, I could NOT believe or want to believe that there was something wrong with my mom. After all, she is Superwoman.

After a long nap, I woke up and asked my brother if they found out what was wrong with my mom, and he said "o she has cancer." When I read it, tears were about to fall, tears were starting to fall, I forgot about all my other (seemingly large) problems and my fingers tremblingly typed out the words "is she okay?" and he said "i'm joking..."

My first reaction was, "I need to kill him when I get home." But then I realized the depth of it all, how short life can be. Or rather, how short life is. And if we aim to live for nothing, then nothing is what we will get in the end. If we choose to live for the lusts of the world, the inevitable death is what we will achieve. But when we choose to live by a higher standard, if we live for God, then in the end..God is what we will get.

The higher standard means we live to love. And Love is the only reason to live. If we cannot achieve that simple life goal, then I believe we are nothing but a waste of flesh. If we cannot settle our differences as Christians, then how do we expect others who don't love the Lord to settle their differences? We are called to live by a higher standard, a standard that needs to be carried out in our short lives.

"A flower quickly fading, a wave tossed in the ocean" is all that we are. But if that flower can captivate the hearts of those who are blinded from true beauty, then that flower is so much more valuable.

Nobody lives forever on this earth. No human on this earth can cheat death. And our time is ending, whether Jesus comes back, or whether we die. And this situation made me question myself, What am I doing with my life? What is the point of staying angry, staying bitter, staying heartbroken? We can live for the money, the power, the fame, the relationships, or we can live for God.

The first and greatest commandment: "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' ³⁸This is the first and greatest commandment." -Matthew 22:37-38

Love in obligation.

-- beware another one of my lnr (late night ramblings) --

Sometimes I wonder why loving people can be so difficult. And ironically, sometimes I wonder why it is so easy to love people.

I mean, I think we all know the answer, Love should be simple, but many times it is too complicated. Or rather as a brother said in one of his recent blogs "Life is simple and we people complicate things."

And as my roommate is playing a nice tune in the background while I'm writing this at 2:30 a.m. I am reminded of just an example of a truly mended friendship. Something that was good, turned sour, and then became even stronger after going through a long process of rebuilding what was broken down.

Unfortunately, I feel as if this can't be so with all of the broken relationships that I have. People that I cannot seem to forgive, and cannot imagine that I can forgive. Why? I guess it's something I'm learning. And many times I catch myself muttering negative (to say the least) words in an attempt to make me even more bitter and even more numb to what I am feeling.

But I know that I need to forgive, even through the hardest times. I must learn to Love. After all, ²⁰If anyone says, "I love God," yet hates his brother, he is a liar. For anyone who does not love his brother, whom he has seen, cannot love God, whom he has not seen. (1 John 4:20)

So I can't really say I love God if I cannot forgive my fellow brothers or sisters. And because I do Love God, I am then obligated to Love all my fellow mankind. And IF I do Love my fellow mankind, then I must indeed be forgiving, because "love keeps no records of wrongs."

It's true Love is simple, simply hard. Nowhere in the Bible does it say that loving will be easy, and I think that is the one thing that I have to realize. Nothing is ever, as my students would say, "easy peasey lemon squeezy." Why? Simply because we are imperfect humans in an imperfect world.

phileo- Love in a friendship way, emotional and reciprocal

and

"Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you will all that they have" -Unknown (Taken from another brother's blog)

I truly do not know what I am saying anymore, I can't even remember what I said on the last paragraph. But I guess the gist of it remains in the title of this post.

CS Lewis puts it very nicely in the chapter "Charity" in Mere Christianity.

"When you are behaving as if you loved someone, you will presently come to love him." (Mere Christianity) Therefore, if I behave as if I "hated" someone, I will presently come to hate him right? Unfortunately, I need to find a way of breaking these negative thoughts. It's going to be tough, rough, and hard, but it is indeed something I MUST take care of before it gets out of hand. How am I going to do this? not sure yet, I have much busy work to attend to that I hope I can push this out of my mind for just another week or two.

To summarize my problem: If I do not solve the issue(s) that I am dealing with, I will (inevitably) grow to hate a person(s), and  if it comes to that point, according to the Bible it makes no sense that I love God. So to make sure I can Love God with all of my heart, mind, soul, I must learn to Love in obligation, because only then can I realize how strong the power of Love really is.

--I am not going to take the time (for now) to try to make this post cohesive, this is definitely a lnr which probably will make no sense when I read it again in the morning--