Mid-Finals week.

It's 4 a.m. WHAT THE FREAK AM I DOING? I'm not tired at all. I know my sleeping schedule is so jacked up...but I didn't know it was THIS jacked up. That's not the only thing that is jacked up though...my brain is so jacked up...I have no idea what I'm doing. I read 3 pages of the book that I need to write a paper on in 2 HOURS.

I started staring into space and just thinking about things. Some random things, and some not so random things. Coming back to my senses I realized that I have no clue what I am doing, I know that in the morning this will all have been a blur. A huge blur that I call finals week.

I guess just to ramble a bit...Things have been changing lately, the way I think, the way I act, the way I see things, and most of all the the way I pursue things. I can't say whether it is for the better or for the worse, I can't even say that they are major changes but rather changes that are in the slightest, most unnoticeable form. If I had not examined myself, I probably would not have noticed it.

A sister recently greatly encouraged me with this verse:  

Isaiah 45:3 reads "I will give you the treasures of darkness and the hidden riches of secret places, that you may know that I, the Lord, who call you by your name, am the God of Israel."

oh the beauty of being a child of God. And as I am being taken through these trials, I find so much encouragement through the Word. And in these times I need to be strong

And I am reminded of my UC essay:

My dad taught me that power and respect is all that I need to be successful. Even though love never factored into his equation for the “perfect life”, I loved my father with all of my heart, until I found out that he had left our family for another.  My heart was broken and my “Superman” image of him was shattered.  My father tried to make it up to my family, but my mother’s heart remained unforgiving. As a result, we moved from New York to California.

      In the absence of my father, I found a love that surpassed my father’s-the love of Jesus Christ.  This captivated me when I heard the story of the prodigal son. The son takes a share of his father’s money, spends it until there is nothing left, and lives with pigs. Knowing that there is nothing else he can do, nowhere else to go, the son runs back to his father, who happily welcomes his son home. Through this story, I saw the unfailing love of an unseen spiritual father who would never hurt me like my real father had.

      I had always respected my father because he was confident in himself. He knew his goals in life and he strove to accomplish them. My father is the one who taught and disciplined me.  I looked to him in times of trial, doubt, sorrow, and I boasted in him during times of success and triumph. He was the one I ran to when I had nowhere else to go.  When our relationship shattered, I realized the importance of a father figure in one’s life and resolved to help others who had been hurting the same way that I had.

      During my junior year, I took the opportunity to tutor an autistic sixth grader named Jonathan. The tutoring for his school work was easy, but my main focus, the difficult part, was developing his social skills. Since he had recently transferred to a new school, he had difficulty making friends. Refining his social skills was a long process, but the more time and effort I put into him, the more his social skills grew. The key was seeing beyond his autism, and seeing him as a friend. My inspiration, the driving force behind my actions was my desire to see his life be transformed. As our tutoring sessions came to an end, it was apparent that I had impacted and changed his life. He was slowly making more friends, and was able to listen and concentrate when being talked to. The ability to show my love and friendship towards him has inspired me to continue living a life with a vision for change.

      Although my father taught me that having power and respect equate to success, my experience with Jonathan showed that having power is nothing compared to having love. The limitless ends to a person motivated from pure love have kindled a newly found passion to serve those around me. I am a friend to the friendless and a role model for the lost. 

And in looking back to this I realize that being strong is good and all, but without Love, without desiring to pursue that Agape, I cannot achieve strength. If I hope to gain anything, it must be Love. If I hope to be strong, I must first learn to Love.

I know this is all going to be a blur in the morning, and this lnr is getting way too long. I must work. I must...