Fairness

Growing up in America being fair is always and issue that needs to be addressed in every situation. Using fairness to get the same allowance as my brother, and even getting paid a fair amount for the work that you put into something is so evident in our society. This fairness is so engrained into our mentality that we equate fairness to being equal.
Our idea of fairness is shortsighted, and focused on our present or the immediate future. Romans 9 challenges this idea by saying God's will is fair, and that only His view of eternity will truly know what is fair.

"So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills"

I wrestled with this for the longest time. For the most of my childhood I was constantly praying and hoping for God to show mercy and bring salvation to my dad. After reading this verse, I slowly gave up the idea that prayer would work because God chose to "harden whomever he wills." I remember thinking that it wasn't fair, God wasn't fair to just use us like little toys. I thought that I deserved better for serving him living my life for him. But... that's not true, I don't deserve anything.

The chapter before says "for those who love God all things work together for good." And I always thought that if I showed God that I loved Him that I would get what I wanted, but this misperception that my idea of good is not the same as his idea of good. And in the same way as fairness, my idea of good is so me-minded present-minded, but God's goodness is eternity-minded and used to glorify Him.

There is hope in remembering that it isn't about me but Him.

Soli Deo Gloria.

Misplaced Love

"There can only be two basic loves... the love of God unto the forgetfulness of self, or the love of self unto the forgetfulness and denial of God" 

St. Augustine

The past two months have been quite the humbling experience. For the most part I thought that there wasn't anything wrong in the way I approached the past two years, but I've learned I did it all wrong. Not necessarily in action but in my mindset and selfishness. The issue with our misplaced loves is that we either love the wrong things, or we love the right things in the wrong way.
By pursuing our personal happiness we create idols in our lives. Some of these idols are even things that could be good for us, but because we don't prioritize God first these blessings turn into curses.
Maybe thats what it means to die is gain, because we have to give up ourself so that we can love God more.

"For to me to live is Christ and to die is gain" 

Delight

Jesus, I delight in you and your plans for me.

I may not understand what, why, or how but I know that you know what is best.

I trust in You alone and I commit to you the desires of my heart.

Only You can judge to see whether or not it is Your desire for me.

Fill up my cup of faith and hear my praises.

Because in this time, I realize that it is You that I need most.

"Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart" Psalm 37

Terminal Illness

Last night while doing a bonfire, we ran into a drunk guy who was going through a rough time. Even though he rambled on forever, he kept going back to the idea that life is like a terminal illness.
It's interesting to see that two people in similar circumstances had two different situations. This is not to say that I'm in any way a better person, but rather last night gave me much needed perspective.

I'm fortunate to have a God that loves me regardless of my situation.
I'm fortunate to place my trust and hope and foundation in the Lord.
I am blessed to know that life is not simply a terminal illness where at the end of it, it is all done and worthless.
I am blessed to have community to point me to the cross when all I can think about is myself.
I am blessed to know that God is in control despite the circumstances and that we will never know what happens in the future.

Faith

"For in it the righteousness of God is revealed from faith for faith, as it is written, "The righteous shall live by faith"

For me, accepting the Lord through faith was always something that was easy. Believing that there is a God that cares for me is natural because of the clear evidence in the ways that He has worked through my life and because of what He's done through the cross.
The difficult part for me is trusting Him and remembering that He knows best. For me I've always said "God you can have the steering wheel.. just follow my directions please." It is such a sinful, selfish, and me-centered way of approaching my walk with God.
This verse challenged me, that if I want to live by faith I need to let go and trust that He knows best. By doing this I realize that the best might not always be the easiest or pain free, but it possibly will be the road less traveled, the one where I have to walk through the storm and through the fire. But in those times looking towards the goal that God is molding me into who He wants me to be.
It's very humbling thinking that who God wants me to be might not necessarily be the way that I envision myself to be.
Our current generation tells us to pursue OUR dreams and OUR passions, but as Christians we're called to a different standard to pursue His desires and His passions.

God I surrender my desires and passions. Give me hope for not my plans but yours. I'm not ready to let go, but I know that in order for me to see what you have in store for me I need to. Give me strength and peace to overcome, because my will alone can't do it.

Love, vast as the ocean

One year ago today I took my first set of CSETs. I seriously was so ready... two sets of breakfast, two coffees, enough sleep... and I got wrecked.

Today, hopefully with two hours of sleep, some finals-ish like cramming, and leftover cold pizza, I think I passed!

After that I went to Gliderport. In the 6 years I've been in San Diego, this was the first time I've ever been there! It was seriously such a nice day and it made me want to just jump in the water and forget about life and everything.

Then this song came to me...

"Here is Love, vast as the ocean

Lovingkindness as the flood

When thePrince of Life, our Ransom

Shed for us His precious blood"

How blessed am I? How lucky am I to have so much despite not deserving anything at all. I complain about the smallest things, about trivial matters in the scope of eternity. Sure things suck, and of course I often find myself lost in the circumstances. But to find joy and peace through His Love, that is... ultimate.

To be known and loved

"To be loved but not known is superficial. To be known and not loved is our great fear - but to be known and loved, that transforms you.” -Tim Keller "Meaning of Marriage"

For God to know us, all of our flaws and failures, and yet to still love us gives me a hope that I can hold on to. For God to know that time and time again we will fail him, and to still love us is... incomprehensible.

Jesus, teach me to love the way that you do. Teach me to love regardless of the situation, regardless of my thoughts and my actions, and regardless of my sinfulness and rebellion. May you be glorified in the way that I love, and may I follow the path that you have made for me. Take away the fear from my heart, and replace it with Joy, Hope, Love, and Peace.

Sunny Diego

One thing I'm blessed with here in SD is the best weather anyone could ever ask for. The perfect temperature with the perfect humidity and the perfect breeze makes me just want to lay on the beach all day every day. So when the hard rain comes, like it did this past week, it sucks.

Likewise, I've been so blessed my entire life, I'd say for the most part it's been sunny skies. So when things get rough it seems like I'm in the dark for.. forever. But today when I woke up, and I saw the sun shining down again, it reminded me of God's promise to carry me through.

No matter how long it's been raining, the sun will rise again. In fact, the sun has never left, it's been there the whole time.

Despite all the things going on in this rainy season, I know that soon enough, God will take me to a place where I can be completely satisfied in Him again. It really isn't about me or what I can do. It isn't about my plans for my future, but His. Remembering this has challenged me so much...