Winning Doesn't Matter

I love winning. Anyone that knows me in any context knows that I love winning, I love winning arguments, I love winning games, I love winning ice breakers, I love winning coin flips, I love winning bets. And anyone that truly knows me knows that the one thing that I hate most in the world is losing.
That is, until I met SOLES Softball. Early in my first year at USD for my masters program, I found that people in the program were forming a softball team, so I messaged the captain and joined. I soon learned that our team's priority wasn't to win it, we were there to have fun with each other and hang out, outside the context of classes and such. It was hard for me to accept, and after a half dozen of phone calls to my mom after losing, I was challenged to question why winning was so important to me.
I mean, if we tweaked our line up a bit, and played boy-boy-girl like every other team instead of boy-girl-boy-girl, then we'd win for sure right? Then as I looked around one day after a loss and everyone was smiling, I started to really understand that it wasn't the fact that we lost that I was mad, it was my mentality after the loss that made me mad.
Each season we've gotten better and better, we've made the playoffs each of the 5 semesters I've played in, but it wasn't really until this season where I realized that the priority was loving one another. We have fun on the field win or lose, and we have fun off the field (especially at a nearby bar called sidebar). I love these guys so much, and they've taught me a lesson that I don't think I'd be able to learn elsewhere.

Win or lose, it's not the score that matters but the people you're with.

GO SOLES Sistas and Mistas!

a brief update

This past year has been quite the adventure. With my travel blog, and my teacher blog, I found myself thinking less and less about my personal blog. I was so busy focusing on so many other things that I forgot about this whole introspection thing.
I guess while I do have a moment, I'll write about this past year. It's been a little hectic, from school to student teaching to coaching, I've been tested with an unending list of duties and responsibilities. But I loved every second of it, and for the first time in forever I found something that I was truly passionate about. I had to give up a big part of my social life, I had to choose to prioritize school, serving, and friends.
It's kind of unfortunate, but in the end so worth it.

2015 realizations

Yesterday I went to a JV basketball game. I sat next to the parent of a player on the other team and overheard how proud he was of his kid. This being a Christian school basketball league I was happy to hear how hard this kid worked, he was dominating scoring more than half of the 44 points their entire team scored. Even though he was bigger than everyone else on his court, hit 4 threes in a row, got his own rebounds and just dominated overall, I had respect for him. Until he started doing some weird NBA-like celebrations every time he made a shot, pretended to rip off his jersey and celebrations of the like. And then I heard that he wasn't just the best kid on their JV squad, he was the best kid in their varsity squad as well, and their coach wanted to make sure they won so he put him in both.
This made me furious, it made me realize that first off I would not want to be that parent. I would not place my kid in a situation where he thinks he's unstoppable and that he's that good. Because one day reality is gonna hit him, and he'll be humbled. One day when he realizes that he can't just beat up on middle schoolers. But more than not wanting to be that kind of parent, I don't want to be that coach. I had just read about the coach that scored 160-2, and I have more respect for that coach than the one I saw yesterday. I don't think it is right to tell your players to give less than their 100%, but when you play your best varsity player on the JV team... come on man.

Lesson #2
Today, I walked out to my car where I found my drivers side mirror smashed. I had my first hit and run, on the 1 year anniversary of my new car. I was furious, and I even spent 30 minutes driving around the neighborhood looking for the red Honda with a missing right side mirror. When I called my mom and told her what happened, she totally humbled me and told me that it was just a mirror. "thing happen, don't let such small things affect you, just be thankful for what you have."
So humbled. That while I was looking at all the negatives, there were so many more positives to be seen, I just wasn't looking.

Reading List

I miss reading books that matter, and I'm determined to get back into the good habit. Although I'm pretty sure I'm shouldering more than I can handle, here's my reading list for this December:
the Word (currently on Revelations and Ecclesiastes for CBR)
The Dawning of Indestructible Joy by John Piper (Advent devotions, courtesy of a good sister and fellow youth servant).
A Vision for Missions, as I examine my heart and develop my philosophy on missions.
The Valley of Vision (a book of Puritan Prayers that has been of immense encouragement)
Finding a Way to Win (by Bill Parcells), as I look to build upon leadership and success in the things that I do, and the way I live.

Fool me once

Every person makes mistakes, and in the immediate aftermath regrets their decision. But after a while, as the whole picture unravels learns that because of that mistake they've become who they are now and that they would not change.
Now it is a little silly to think that I can predict an outcome of anything, but in this moment there is so much that reminds me of the mistake that I once made. And it's now that I think I've made my decision to not walk down that path again. It's unfortunate cause I think that there is so much potential, and while my heart says yes, my mind says no.
And now, in this very place that I am in at my life, I'm going to have to listen to my mind. There are so many what ifs but I really can't think about those right now. I'm thankful and still hopeful, but I'm also tired.

Lord, give me wisdom and discernment. Amen.

winners and losers

Today the IM team that I play in lost in the first round of playoffs. It wasn't the first time that we lost but it was the first time we lost by the mercy rule. I made some big mistakes and for once in a long while I found myself getting heated. I always hate losing, but something about this time that turned on that old self that I hate so much.
On my drive home, I called my mom and told her about my frustrations and what I was feeling. I didn't expect much, since my mothers a small woman that wasn't athletic at all. What she said to me was probably the best advice ever.

"It's just a game, and in the game there are winners and losers. Of course losing feels bad, but do you think anybody plays to lose? Even the best don't win all the time, Michael Jordan didn't win all the time, and when he lost I don't think he sat there being angry, he got better. Don't be angry, get better."

What I got from it is "Don't let losing discourage you, let it make you work harder." I hate losing, anyone that really knows me knows that, but one thing I've been learning to tattoo into my heart and my attitude: "to bear the cross is to wear the crown"

Oxford, England

I just arrived at Oxford, and I must say that it is really nice to be here. As we got settled into our dorms, and went through a quick orientation of how our weeks stay would look like, I started to get really excited.
Taking a break from the last semester and struggling to pass the CSETs really hit me pretty hard. Probably the roughest time that I've had, the past 6 months were. But looking at all my classmates and even just being able to be here really has given me a rejuvenated spirit.
I'm excited!! Thank you for all your support and prayers!