End of 2013

2 more days until the end of the year, and as I reflect upon the things I've done and learned this past year I feel empty. It really has been the most unproductive year for me.

Being in New York, away from everything home has allowed me to step back and realize that even though I finished my first semester of grad school, I really feel like I haven't done squat. It stinks to realize that 365 days are wasted just like that. And that it sucks to have that feeling where everything that I've done was for nothing.

I need to step it up.

2014 get ready for me.

Defeated.

It hit me, and it hit me hard today. K.O. after K.O. just when I thought it couldn't get worse it did.
Today was the first time I have ever felt like this. Reality hit me hard in my relationship today, that things are not always what you hope for or want. And I know it's my fault, but there are no words that seem to be able to repair the damage.
I guess the first step is admitting... I'll admit I have an anger problem. And it has taken it's toll on this relationship. This one flaw is the undoing of my relationship with Eugenia. Right now it seems like there are no amount of rights can right this wrong.
Then I found out that I have to take a leave of absence from school because I did not pass one of my subtests of the CSET. I cannot believe that I am so dumb... When my advisor told me that I needed to take the leave of absence, it felt like I had just smashed against a rock wall. I went numb.
Trying to think positively about my situation is only putting a bandaid on my wounds. The wound is still there, fresh and open as ever. My drive home seemed like an eternity. The only way I could describe the feeling was that I felt defeated.

Jesus, I know that everything happens for a reason. Maybe this is your way of drawing me back to you, please forgive me for forgetting my first love. Please let me understand what you are doing in this time, because I am clueless and blind.