A man, that despite falling into the temptations governed by his emotions, still can be called "a man after God's heart." A man that could fight the biggest of giants, but could not defeat the internal giant of lust. The internal giant of emotion that continues to taunt us, tempt us, break us.
Perhaps I am talking more than just about this mere biblical figure, perhaps I am talking about myself.
I am scared. This post will expose much of the struggles that I am going through. I am terrified at the idea of having to explain what is going on in my life. Yet, I find doing this necessary to conquer this giant.
This giant is the same giant that has been coming out each morning, never leaving me alone until I sleep. This giant is the one that has been taunting me since the beginning of my High School days. And even in this seemingly long period of time, I have not found a way to defeat it. I have found ways to suppress it, to hide it, to stow it away in the back of my mind. But even then, it is always only a matter of time until it comes back, stronger than ever.
I admit, I can't do it myself. I admit, I need God to help me. I admit I've tried to battle it myself. I admit sometimes even to defeat. I give in to these emotions, and I stumble, sometimes I fall, but still God's grace brings me back to my feet.
If there is one thing that I do know, God is going to help me defeat it. After all, the victory is already won, the enemy has been defeated, and we are "more than conquerors." I know that the Lord is trying to teach me something through this, I know that the Lord has made this my greatest weakness, to show His greatest strength. I am fully assured that He is doing something good in my life, yet in times like these, I question whether anything good can come out of it.
To tell you the truth, my choice of weapons is not the sling and stone, rather I am much like those Israelites that are quick to pick up the common weapon of choice (but not God's weapon of choice), the sword and shield. Except my sword and shield are the power of busy-ness. To occupy my mind with ministries and activities is my escape. It is my weapon of choice that I choose to immerse myself in. It is wrong, and I know it, and I admit it.
And once again, listening to "Words that You say" by Something Like Silas, I am reminded to wait for the words of the Lord. To not be powered by my strength but His. But I am still trying to understand what it means to be a man after God's own heart. This dilemma is something that I believe God is teaching me. I feel that I have been broken to my very foundations, and sometimes even deeper. Demolished and uprooted, I cannot understand why, but this is another thing that God continually does as I walk with Him. Why? I don't know.
I wish there could be a happy ending, a word of firm encouragement that can "soothe the soul." But I sincerely apologize, I am done, finished, empty, broken, thirsty. I have not found the solution just yet, or rather I'd like to believe that God has not revealed the solution just yet. Perhaps, just maybe perhaps, my happy ending will come soon. When I can rein in the emotions and reign over my emotions. Maybe until then God's will is to continue to dig deep down to my furthest roots, to not even let there be a hint of my past. Perhaps then I will be able to pick up the weapon of God's choice, maybe then will I realize that it is the sling and stone that will win the battle, and maybe then I will be able to fully comprehend what it means to be a man after God's own heart.
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