good life vs. Good life.

While writing my paper, and leaving my itunes playlist running down Audio Adrenaline, something caught my ears.

....this is the good life... 

It instantly reminded me of Kanye's version of "Good Life"

And then it hit me, the differences between the "good life" of a Christian and a Heathen (for lack of better words). Before I go any further, here are the choruses for both:

Audio Adrenaline:

This is the good life
I've lost everything
I could ever want
And ever dream of
This is the good life
I found everything
I could ever need
Here in Your arms

Kanye:

Now I, I go for mine, I got to shine
Now throw your hands up in the sky
Now I, I go for mine, I got to shine
Now throw your hands up in the sky
I'ma get on this TV mama
I'ma, I'ma put s*%t down
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey
Hey, I'm good

And those are only the choruses.

Only a blind fool wouldn't be able to tell the difference between these songs. While listening to it on repeat, I got goosebumps. I was so encouraged by their lyrics (AA's of course) that I had to stop writing my paper and smile. And my roommate came in and started singing along, and my smile just got bigger.

To put it plainly, we as Christians need to realize the "Good life" that we live for is different from the "good life" in which the world lives for. We lose everything, while they go for everything. All we ever need and want is God, all they want is to get on TV. This reminded me of what it means to live for God and keep my eyes focused.

Now to relate it a bit to me, just recently, it's been hard to keep my eyes focused on what I need to do. But God has been constantly reminding me. Talking to Christine, she told me this (I hope this can be as much of an encouragement to those reading as it was to me):

een x3: you can either choose to be frustrated with it and KEEP FOCUSING on what not to do

een x3: or you can choose to focus on WHAT YOU SHOULD do--and that's LOVING God with ALL of your heart

And with that said, that started me off on days of just meditating on what I need to do. My ambitious plans versus His. Kanye would say "I go for mine," for me, I'll go with God's.

This is starting to get all jumbled up and random, since I'm just writing down what I'm thinking. Audio Adrenaline puts it well into perspective what we need to have a "Good Life."

the Bible puts it even better:

³⁶What good is it for a man to gain the whole world, yet forfeit his soul? -Mark 8:36

This is the Good life.

A man after God's own heart

What does it mean to be a man after God's own heart? What does it mean to be a "man" like David.

A man, that despite falling into the temptations governed by his emotions, still can be called "a man after God's heart." A man that could fight the biggest of giants, but could not defeat the internal giant of lust. The internal giant of emotion that continues to taunt us, tempt us, break us.

Perhaps I am talking more than just about this mere biblical figure, perhaps I am talking about myself.

I am scared. This post will expose much of the struggles that I am going through. I am terrified at the idea of having to explain what is going on in my life. Yet, I find doing this necessary to conquer this giant.

This giant is the same giant that has been coming out each morning, never leaving me alone until I sleep. This giant is the one that has been taunting me since the beginning of my High School days. And even in this seemingly long period of time, I have not found a way to defeat it. I have found ways to suppress it, to hide it, to stow it away in the back of my mind. But even then, it is always only a matter of time until it comes back, stronger than ever.

I admit, I can't do it myself. I admit, I need God to help me. I admit I've tried to battle it myself.  I admit sometimes even to defeat. I give in to these emotions, and I stumble, sometimes I fall, but still God's grace brings me back to my feet.

If there is one thing that I do know, God is going to help me defeat it. After all, the victory is already won, the enemy has been defeated, and we are "more than conquerors." I know that the Lord is trying to teach me something through this, I know that the Lord has made this my greatest weakness, to show His greatest strength. I am fully assured that He is doing something good in my life, yet in times like these, I question whether anything good can come out of it.

To tell you the truth, my choice of weapons is not the sling and stone, rather I am much like those Israelites that are quick to pick up the common weapon of choice (but not God's weapon of choice), the sword and shield. Except my sword and shield are the power of busy-ness. To occupy my mind with ministries and activities is my escape. It is my weapon of choice that I choose to immerse myself in. It is wrong, and I know it, and I admit it.

And once again,  listening to "Words that You say" by Something Like Silas, I am reminded to wait for the words of the Lord. To not be powered by my strength but His. But I am still trying to understand what it means to be a man after God's own heart. This dilemma is something that I believe God is teaching me. I feel that I have been broken to my very foundations, and sometimes even deeper. Demolished and uprooted, I cannot understand why, but this is another thing that God continually does as I walk with Him. Why? I don't know.

I wish there could be a happy ending, a word of firm encouragement that can "soothe the soul." But I sincerely apologize, I am done, finished, empty, broken, thirsty. I have not found the solution just yet, or rather I'd like to believe that God has not revealed the solution just yet. Perhaps, just maybe perhaps, my happy ending will come soon. When I can rein in the emotions and reign over my emotions. Maybe until then God's will is to continue to dig deep down to my furthest roots, to not even let there be a hint of my past. Perhaps then I will be able to pick up the weapon of God's choice, maybe then will I realize that it is the sling and stone that will win the battle, and maybe then I will be able to fully comprehend what it means to be a man after God's own heart.

Up! UP! and...still up!

haha. Yes. it is 4:30 a.m. Yes. I am 17 atl. Yes. I am being extremely unproductive.

I have to register for classes at 8 a.m. tomorrow, yet I still have no clue what I am taking. And still, I am not planning, and there is not even a hint of me wanting to plan out my schedule.

Anyway,

8th week is over, and 3 more weeks until my first year is over. And as I sat evaluating my first year, I could not help but think to myself how much I played. How well I could have done if I didn't play as much. How much more productive this year could have been, if only I had found the balance between work and play earlier.

In my reflections, I found that this year has challenged me deeper than any other. Sure, God has shown me and brought me through great heights and depths, yet still...I am unsatisfied. I am completely in-complacent (if that is even a word) with where I am. Even in these challenges where I feel that I can't handle anymore, I feel that it is not enough.

God is growing me, for that I am certain. Feeling the full extent of His love is impossible, yet I am filled to my capacity. My eyes have seen, my ears have heard, my heart has felt. Broken, yet I am always complete in Him. Such a lovely paradox.

God is good, maybe I'll complete my thoughts when I am more awake.

I love these L.N.R.s (Late Night Ramblings)

billz. MB. more billz. "Jawnz." more billz.

It's coming up on my 1 week anniversary with my macbook. 12 bills dropped on this sucka. But then again my dad is helping me pay a part of it. I have gotten a lot of "so how do you like it?" and "it's a lot better than PC huh?" My answer is typically: "it's alright," or some variation of that.

Evaluation: Frankly speaking, this computer is hella nice. I feel like I can't stray too far from it, and I have to take the best absolute care for it. Everything about it seems so "perfect." Well, everything except for it's price, that is the part that kills the joy. It's the factor that can counter act all the kicks that come with the new macbook. I look at my credit card bill and my checking account and I get really sad. With that said, I am enjoying my MB, it's something that really overkills my dell.

Now today, for some reason I had this idea of getting new jeans a.k.a. "jawnz." Why did I get this sudden urgency of getting a new pair? I have no clue. What I do know, is that when you entertain a thought in your head for too long, sooner or later it gets put into action. I asked Mike Liu and Allan Bunto about what they thought and I got to a pair of 3sixteen Jeans. After my last class of the day, I went to a dining hall to just sit, eat, and chill with my MB. The first page that popped up was the Self Edge site with the pictures of these jawnz. And as I sat and stared, I decided to "just do it." I put in my Credit Card #, and the shipping address (17 ATL hah) and pressed submit. Shocked at my own sudden burst of rashness, I sat in somewhat disbelief of another potential mistake. Another 2 billz dropped for these things that hopefully will serve me well.

It seems to be the case now-a-days that I rashly drop big bucks for seemingly unnecessary things. It's a reoccurring theme that is starting to get the best of me, and is starting to make me lose my mind. If I keep at this rate, I'm GG (literally). It's time to break this habit. Now.

7:30 a.m.

It's 7:30 and I'm at the bus stop getting ready for work. Craziness.

I'm so tired, yet so eager to teach and play with my first graders. Unfortunately, yesterday I overslept =/

Today is going to be a good day, yesterday was one of my most chillest (to say the least), days. I basically did nothing but go to a museum to write about a piece for my paper. I didn't really realize how much I missed museums, the awe inspiring aspect of it, the peacefulness, etc. etc.

Well the bus is here! tata!

Failure.

So many things can go wrong. And sometimes it seems like everything that can possibly go wrong does go wrong. Sometimes it does seem as if every decision I make is the wrong one. And if this is the case...then why?

Answer: If I wasn't a failure, I wouldn't be broken and I wouldn't need Jesus, now would I?

But still, some failures is enough to humble me. Is my pride that strong? Sometimes I think so.

But even in those times, God is still faithful. Joshua 1:9- God is with us til the end of age. For now this is enough to keep me going.

This random late night blogging (well maybe not so random) is starting to get pretty intense...

I'm extremely excited, and nervous, about the launch that is coming up tomorrow. God has been good, well He is always good, but even in these failures He is good-er.

Peer Pressure?

I've always been an avid PC fan. I mean Macs were cool, they looked sleek, but price was always an issue, and PCs always felt just right. With more than 50% of the general college population having macs, and an even higher percentage at church (with the exception of a few), I still felt completely satisfied with my Dell.

But still, after the shattering of my screen, I had to get a new computer. Originally I was going to buy my friend's used macbook, but he didn't want to sell it anymore. So I had my mind set on buying Big K's extra laptop.

Then very unexpectedly, my dad calls me at 7 a.m. in the morning telling me that he deposited money for me to buy a new laptop. I told him my head hurt and I'd call him back later. 3 hours later, he called again telling me to buy the used one, but he also wanted to buy me a new mac (cause he promised me one in the beginning of this year). I thought about it, and decided to a research (after another 2 hour nap). I got sold the moment I started reading a review. And then I checked my bank account, and went out to the infamous UCSD bookstore, I got the same salesperson that sold Jackie her MB, and he seemed to be slightly amused that I came back.

Celebrating, afterwards, with Jane and Ricky, we decided to go to BK. I got myself a Whopper and a Large Coke (no ice).

And here I sit (still on my PC) with my macbook charging next to me. I still am very pro-PC, and I have a feeling that I will be spending equal amounts of time on both. But the main reason I got it (on such a whim) is because I felt that I would be able to enjoy the "best of both worlds."

So did I give in to peer pressure?
Possibly. But in my opinion no. I'm just doing what I think feels right.

Funny moments.

Okay this is my third post today. I've just really felt like blogging.

So at work today, I saw one of my students waling around at recess hitting himself in the mouth. When I called him over, he said "I'm trying to knock out my two front teeth." And he flashed his smile at me, I realized his teeth weren't loose at all! For the rest of recess, he just kept hitting himself. haha.

Last week was Teacher's appreciation, and a couple of my students wrote letters to me. It reminded me of the first day of teaching in China, when I told them to write so I could see their writing levels, and I got back really cute letters. (if I had a scanner i'd scan them)

Thats it, haha this was a pretty lame post, but read my other ones.

Fraternite pour l'eternite

Fraternity.

One of the core values of old France (Liberte, l'egalite, fraternite).
and yet, in a more modern less dignified (in my opinion) version, it is
One of the things about college that confuses me.

First, why am I writing this?
Definitely not to hate (since I have close friends in frats and sororities). But because especially today, I have seen many people at work, on campus, wearing frat wear.

So, on to my point (don't worry this won't be a long post), the reason it confuses me is because, why would anyone (in their right minds) pay money, get hazed, go through the pledging process, to get friends or "build connections."

(If anyone has an answer then please tell me)

But while on my date (read previous post) I was reminded of a quote Pastor Jay once said "We are the biggest, baddest, gang in the world" (or something like that). Thereby making us the biggest and baddest fraternity (in terms of brotherhood).
I entertained this thought in my head before thoroughly (in my opinion) realizing the depth and weight in that statement.

To go into the detail would take forever, and since I said I'll keep it short, I'll end with this:
I've joined a frat. Well I guess I've been in it for a while now. No, if you have just skipped everything that I've just written, not a alpha ki phi psi blah blah blah frat. But one that has been around for ages, I'm part of the family of God. With lots of big bros and little bros, and big sises and little sises.

My Date. pt. 2

As much as I love eating with people, sitting down and talking, and catching up, and everything of that sort, I find such comfort in sitting by myself.

After work today I took the bus to campus and decided to grab a little grub before heading back to my room. Being lunch time at one of the busier dining halls, it felt kinda weird (at first) sitting by myself.
Then after taking a couple bites into my food, I realized how peaceful it was. The sereneness in the midst of the hustle and bustle of college life. No need for rush, no need to care about anybody else's agenda, just me...

Well, me and God.
But I didn't need to pray, it was just one of those times that I could just chill with God. Me and Him. Him and Me, just dining together at the table. Right in the center of everything that was going on.
And it was good.

You can call it my excuse of having nobody to sit with, or you can take it as my date. My date with God.

Pain

it hurts a lot. So much I want to let it all out with a scream.

No, I am not talking about an emotional type of pain, rather this time something physical.
My head hurts so badly, I can't even sleep it off. The very thought of sleeping just makes it hurt even more. When I sit up, when I talk, when I am on the computer, it seems to disappear. But the moment I lay my head down, it comes crashing down, like the waves onto the shore (no not those tiny ones, the huge ones).

To make matters worse, my entire body is aching, from working out and from hiking. (And now, 75% of my computer screen is dead...)

So now, I sit here on my computer (for it is the only thing that seems to relieve my headache in the slightest bit) with nobody to talk to. Unfortunately for me, everybody is either really busy doing work, or really busy playing.

And this pain is quite overwhelming, it's like invincible, tylenol doesn't work against it, and neither does chinese herbal tea. What I AM craving now though, is some nice cool green tea. If I could be anywhere, I would be at Ten ren's doing my devotionals.

too bad I'm stuck here.

Trip to the doctors.

Just kidding. More like a trip to downtown Pasadena for the GLASS Convention.

The more appropriate title for this post is:

Spiritual Check-up
Those in ministry give out so much. How full is my tank? Where and how can I recharge? We will look at some questions to think through as well as some habits to develop. Do I have time to recharge?

After lunch, I had to decide between two workshops(which were conveniently located right next to each other), the decision was fairly easy, one had it's doors open, the other was shut tight.
As I walked in 5 minutes late into the Spiritual Checkup workshop, I surprisingly stumbled into a room packed with people frivolously jotting down notes.

But it was his first words which instantly captured my attention.
Say for instance you take this water bottle. If I told you to hold it for an hour, it shouldn't be a problem. It's not too heavy for anybody. But if I told you to hold it for 17 days, then that would pose a problem.

I have no idea why I chose the Spiritual Checkup workshop, I didn't directly feel that I needed it. Neither did I feel as if I wanted it, I just walked in.

*After two weeks of starting this post i'm finishing it*

First things first: Where are we investing our time? How are we using it, and more specifically, how wisely are we using it?

Questions for evaluation:
Q1: Am I content with who I am becoming?

Q2: Am I becoming less religious and more spiritual?

Q3: Does my family recognize the authenticity of my spiritual life?
or rather, what does my family see in me?

Q4: How is my philosophy?
Am I constantly learning, or have I reached a standstill?

Q5: Do I have a quiet center for my life?
Do you know why you're still here on this Earth?

Q6: Have I defined my unique ministry?

Q7: Is my prayer life improving?

Q8: Have I maintained a genuine awe of God?

Q9: Is my humility genuine?

Q10: Is my spiritual feeding the right diet?

Q11: Is obedience in small matters built into reflexes?

Q12: Do I have joy?

Q13: How do I respond in Christlike-ness?

After talking with a sister last night, I was reminded of properly prioritizing all the things that are going on, and just saying no (not just to the bad things, but also) to the unnecessary things. After all, "the right thing at the wrong time, is still the wrong thing" (Joshua Harris). I think as Christians we need to constantly go on a spiritual check up to make sure if we are doing what the Lord wills.

Ephseians 5:16-17
¹⁶ redeeming the time, because the days are evil.
¹⁷ Therefore do not be unwise, but understand what the will of the Lord is.

To sum it all up?
Priorities.