Expectations...

Growing up, I thought that my parents' expectations were for me to go to college. I mean despite my parents getting divorced, and me not living with my dad, I thought being raised in an chinese family meant that I was fully expected to concentrate my all in my studies to be the first (in my direct family) to go to college. And each summer, as I got older, when I came to New York, I found my dad being more and more disappointed in me. Disappointed in the fact that I was becoming "more like my mother" (since my stay here, I've probably heard that more than 50 times). And it's not that I am ashamed to be like my mom, because she is one of the strongest people I have ever known, but it's the fact that he puts it in such a negative tone that it makes me so angry. (There are so many things that I can write but I'll keep this on topic).

And so during a conversation today, I saw that my effort in working to get in college (and by God's grace I am in UCSD), my efforts in High School to help others, and my effort to help support my own college tuition were all meaningless and almost nonexistent in his eyes. Sometimes I wished that I could take him on a tour of my life, to see not just the pain, but the way that I overcame it, to become the person that I am. Maybe then he wouldn't be so eager to say how disappointed he was in me, maybe then he wouldn't say "you're too young you don't understand the world," and perhaps then he might open his heart to a world so invisible because of his hard heart.

To be completely honest, I've given up, lost almost all hope. 2 years ago, I got mad at my mom for saying that my dad is too stubborn, that we cannot do anything to save him, but if there was some hope for him, it would be the Lord. 1 year ago, I was frustrated when my mom told me to not argue with him and just let him win. And now this year, I see the truth and wisdom behind all that my mom said. Yes, I have given up on trying to show him how good I am (or that I think I'm good) but I haven't given up on praying for him, it's all God now.

But that's not the end of my post, my realizations go a bit further than that.

In all of these really frustrating thoughts, I see the Lord's purpose in everything. By God's grace I am in college (and a good one at that), but what I had wrong was that it wasn't for my dad, but for my Dad. I served in High School not to prove myself to my dad, but to further the kingdom of my Dad. I worked in college for my tuition, not so I could show how responsible I am to my dad, but to show my Dad that I am grateful for everything that He has provided for me. There's so much that I can say, but to keep it short I'll leave it at those three main points. For the first time with all truth and honesty I can say that I'm glad the Lord had my parents divorced and that I went with my mom to California. Now I am going to take what I have and I am going to soar with it.

Not with my dad's expectations, but for my Dad's expectations.