No iphone...

Who was I fooling?

$350 (+food and shots) for my dog.
$300 for leather stuff.
$180 for jeans.
$50 for parking ticket
$300 for speeding ticket
$30 for traffic school
$150 for (useless) opthamologist appointment.

I'm no rich kid. I'm not a person who was born with rich parents, let alone living with both parents. Shoot, my parents can't even afford to pay for my education. Who was I going to impress anyway with my new iphone? After listening to my mom lecture me once again about how crappy our financial status is, and listening to a friend (speaking about the iphone) say: phone is phone. I realized I don't need it. If I could live without texting, I can live without the new iphone.
As much as I was looking forward to getting it, with my dad paying and all, I realized that even he doesn't have enough money. And the long waits for someone to finally answer my call, my efforts to drive to Brea to ask about it, and even to Wal-mart to ask, I guess it's all gone to waste.
I don't own a money tree, and neither am I considered financial stable. The only person I was kidding was myself.

Unless some miracle happens tomorrow, I'm not going to be getting the iphone. I guess I'll have the luxury of sleeping in.

Impact: typical-ness

After a long and intensive night. I think I owe it to my fellow impact leaders to write about our wonderful night.
Starting with the typical eating (at Tofu House) and me being typically late, and us taking the typical long amount of time to eat, and me cracking the typical lame jokes, us typically going to someone's house. You get the point. But even despite all of this "typical-ness" we always end up with intense, spirit-filled meetings.
Our usual get together to catch up turns into sharing our thoughts on various spiritual topic, some of those tonight included prophecy, healing, churches, etc. It's funny because with any other group of people I'd easily lose interest and just want to fool around more or talk about other things, but when I'm with impact, I am able to just talk and talk and talk.
And throughout the typical sharings of where we've been this year, I'm just so encouraged by where everyone is at. Behind all the jokes, God is doing a mighty work in each of us, and every time we meet I am able to be spurred onto doing better in my own life.
And then onto the "order of business" I won't disclose what we're going to do, but for one thing, we ain't gone just yet. God is going to do something big soon, and I feel it coming strong.

I LOVE my Impact family, so much character, so much love, so much typical-ness, but despite it all theres always a new surprise.

When I look at the stars...

Camping always brings back memories. Memories of when I was younger, when I was in boy scouts, when I felt free.

Going to senior retreat and being in the midst of the "great outdoors" allowed me to reflect and reminisce quite a bit. The last night, I was able to stare into the blue skies and watched the shooting stars streak across the clear blue sky. And I wished upon them many things... things that I remember wishing for as a kid.
Truth be told, I miss those days... you know being a kid. The days when I lived the child's life... free from the problems of well, the things that I'm facing now. Growing up never felt so bad... haha it's ironic the good things in life get so much better, and the bad things in life get so much more worse.

And despite it all, I cling onto Your promises. The promises that are reminding me over and over that this is simply a test, something You believe that I can get through. And simply something that I can't wait to get over.

Thank You Lord for believing in me when I don't believe in myself. Thank You for raining in blessings that can comfort me beyond imagine. Thank You for being the God of my strength.

... I feel like myself.

Journaling.

I just started reading random entries from a past journal that I started about a year to two years ago. It's a long typed out journal that is 37 pages long! And I didn't write in it every day, just a couple days per month. After reading through it, I realized how far God has brought me.
It's been a long 2 year journey, at points it seems longer sometimes shorter. So many memories that were built within this time period and I've definitely been shaped and refined to become a better man after this. But like all things, this too has to come to an end. And as this chapter comes to a close, I am satisfied with where I've come. I want more, I want to grow more, but to have come to where I am now I think God is pleased.
It's weird writing my (hopefully) last entry of the journal, kinda sad and after reading through some past entries I realized that it was a difficult, but very good time.
Throughout these last two years I've seen what I was, what I needed to change, where I am now, and where I need to be. I can only ask God to continue to refine to be a great man of God.

~
sorry for the vague-ness some of you know what I'm talking about so good for you. For others... I'm sorry I'm not going to go into more detail.

Sunny with the High of 75

Since You took my heavy heart and made it light.
And it's funny how you find you enjoy your life, when you're happy to be alive.

Not really much into talking right now. I just know there needs to be change. A change in my heart, in my attitude, and maybe in that of others. But oh boy how I wish for that sunny of 75 (literally as well as figuratively). I need these clouds to go away, and I need to see that sun.

Nerve wrecking....

I'm giving the message at my church tomorrow and I'm REALLY nervous. I usually get a bit nervous before messages, but after giving quite a few at homegroup, retreats, etc. it's been just a minor speed bump in the presentation of my messages. But tomorrow is different... after attending and serving at my home church (Livingstone Alliance Church) for the past 10 years of my life, I do not recall us ever having someone who was not a pastor, missionary, or anyone that didn't attend theology speak.
And after pushing for a chance to speak for the last 4 years, tomorrow is the day I get to give the message. I'm super nervous, but I'm super excited at the same time. I'm not sure how the congregation is going to take it, but I pray the Lord will plant seeds through the words that come from my mouth.

I don't often use my blog as a mass messenger for a request, but if you read my blog, I take it as you care enough for me to also take this time to pray. If you're reading this before tomorrow (Sunday) PLEASE pray for me. PLEASE pray for my church. PLEASE pray for a right heart.

Thank you.

I'm not afraid

I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road


This song has been stuck in my head for quite a while. Minus the explicit language, I love the message of the song. I've always known that Eminem was a legit rapper, but after this song I think I've gained a bit of a new respect.


"When I say 'em or do something I do it, I don't give a damn"
This is one of my favorite lines of the rap. Growing up, my dad taught me a lot about what it means to be a man, he defined it as doing whatever you want with no regard for what people think. Luckily for me, I ended up on a better path than him, but I still realize that despite that I still have this mentality of doing whatever I want.
You can think whatever you want about me.
You can hate me for what I say.
You can love me for what I do.
But to me, it doesn't matter, what I say, I'm going to do.


"And I just can't keep living this way
So starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage
I'm standing up, Imma face my demons
I'm manning up, Imma hold my ground
I've had enough, now I'm so fed up
Time to put my life back together right now"

I think I feel this way a lot. I'm not satisfied with where I am, I'm not satisfied with who I am. I get so caught up in the life that I live that I feel trapped in a type of lifestyle thats going to be the death of me. I get so "fed up" with the problems that I repeatedly go through, I get so sick and tired of the same constant attacks on me, my brain, and my emotions. But yea, it's time to put my life back together.

and my favorite line:
I'm raising the bar, I shoot for the moon But I'm too busy gazing at stars, I feel amazing
I ask myself why I never am able to focus on the goal. I set my goals high as heck, I set my standards above anything I think I can achieve, and yet when I go for the goal, I end up getting distracted by other things... I get too busy "gazing at the stars."

Will I miss college?

It's 5 a.m. and I'm still awake. I'm done with finals, and I'm just trying to end this year with a nice fun train. Being at UCLA I've run into a couple of old friends. Spending the last 4-5 hours catching up and reminiscing with an old girl (pause) friend makes me miss high school a lot.

I sometimes wonder that when I graduate college, if I will ever miss it as much as I miss high school now.

Break Me.

Dear Lord,

I've been so caught up recently in my school work, my internship, my job, and just a whole lot of other things that I have greatly failed to remember You in everything that I do. I feel like I have lost the heart of worship, I feel like I've dug myself into a pit that I cannot climb out of, I feel like I've become so complacent with simply calling You my savior. It's been weeks since I last opened my Bible to do my daily devotions. In fact, I don't even know where my Bible is.
I'm weak, pathetic, stubborn. Lord I need you to break me. You've done it before, and I've reached this point again where I need you to break me even harder. I need you to break me into pieces so small that when i'm reformed I will hardly recognize myself. I'm not satisfied with where I am, I want to be better, I want to be stronger, I want to go harder for you. I want to be a man of God respectable by all means, I want to be a good leader to those who need one, I want to be a legitimate Christ follower.
God, please, I beg you. Once again I need you to push me further than I've ever been. I need you to put me into a place of desperation where all I can cling onto is you. Jesus, I don't want the money, I don't want the girls, I don't want anything else.
Break me. Mold me. Make me more and more like You.

Amen.

Today was a fairytale...

HAHAH just kidding. But today was honestly a much needed break. Hanging out with Merced people, whether in or out of Merced is always super fun. But the biggest highlight, and probably the most fun time was dinner at Boiling Crab.

Standing outside the door, a couple friends were making this huge crazy deal about Cathy Nguyen inside. At that moment I was like, dang thats cool but whatever. But once I got inside it became a totally different story. There are many funny and memorable stories to tell from tonights dinner, and we'll always get a huge laugh out of all of it (If you want the story just ask Eric Chao, he'll give you the ultra exaggerated version but you'll get a crack out of it). But I'll leave you all with this:

Goodnight world.